Thankful...thoughtful

I had a chance to share with our church family some thanksgiving, and given the holiday I thought I would post some thoughts for you all. We had a good Thanksgiving with my brother and sister-in law, and my mom, in Massachusetts.  We played lots of backyard football, had a tea party, climbed into the tree house, and got a lot of sleep.   It was good to be with family for the holiday - though Brandi's absence was very much a part of the weekend for me.    

This passage was sent to me by a friend a few weeks ago, and it has been really helpful for me as a reminder of God's faithfulness. 

Isa 46:
3 Listen to Me,” [says the Lord], “O house of Jacob,
And all the remnant of the house of Israel,
You who have been carried by Me from your birth
And have been carried [in My arms] from the womb,
4 Even to your old age I am He,
And even to your advanced old age I will carry you!
I have made you, and I will carry you;
Be assured I will carry you and I will save you.

9 Remember [carefully] the former things [which I did] from ages past;
For I am God, and there is no one else;
I am God, and there is no one like Me,
10 Declaring the end and the result from the beginning,
And from ancient times the things which have not [yet] been done,
Saying, ‘My purpose will be established,
And I will do all that pleases Me and fulfills My purpose,’

The Lord has carried us in so many ways in the past year, I am truly thankful for it.  In so many little ways, I have seen the Lord care for us, provide for us, and carry us day by day.  We have seen the Lord give us so many friends who have helped, served, and prayed.  I have been thankful for our church, and reflecting particularly on the two guys who I co-pastor with who have taken so much on in the past year in caring for our church while I have been either on leave or less than fully engaged - and even now, back in "full time", that they are carrying things that I am not able to.  The kids are doing, overall, really well - enjoying school, growing, and we have many happy moments together as a family of three.  I was praying with the kids tonight and gave thanks that mommy is home with Jesus, whole, healthy, happy - it is one of the greatest comforts to me, to know that she is not missing me as much as I miss her, that she is face to face with her savior, and captivated in his glory.  She is filled with joy...and that makes me glad. 

Having said that, the past few weeks have continued to be hard.  I miss Brandi every day.  It is an ache in my heart, no a cavity, a crater that just seems to be growing.  At times it feels like a darkness that envelops my soul, at other times a weight or burden on my back that feels unbearable.  This season - with the holidays

I have struggled with feeling like the life I live right now is like and old skin, a form of the life that I once had, and I can feel like I'm going through the motions of living my old life - but I don't know what else there might be to move onto.  In day to day, I still love being with the kids - they are growing in so many ways, and I love being close enough to begin to understand them and relate to them more deeply.  Whatever else seems unclear, to keep investing in them is clearly something I know to do.

As we go into the Advent season, for me I have completely mixed feelings.  I love this holiday - but I loved sharing it with her, and I don't have an idea how to do this new season.  I have such clear memories of this time last year - almost daily I can remember something about what we did.  They are happy memories in some ways, but also painful, particularly as they remind me how little we anticipated what would happen next.  It happened so quickly, in many ways...it is still part of the pain and the loss I feel.

So that is an update from us.  Thanks for your prayers.  May your advent be filled with a renewed sense of the wonder of the gift of Jesus to the world, our rescuer and redeemer.

Matt

Will you be my Aaron and Hur?

I was reminded recently of the story of when the Israelites went to battle against the Amalekites in Exodus 17 - the well known story where Joshua led the battle, while Moses watched and held his arms up in recognition of their dependence upon the Lord.  As they fought, they were victorious whenever Moses kept his arms up - but then he got tired!  And they sat him on a rock, and Aaron and Hur stood by him and held up his arms, helping Israel emerge victorious, and Moses as the leader knew his need for others to help him!

I want to ask for your prayers.  I'm not even sure exactly for what, though maybe you can figure it out from what I write below.  This past two weeks or so have been hard - full, overwhelming at times, but more than that I have felt like I hit a wall, and have been struggling a lot with motivation, with focus, with ability to think, to work hard, to get things done.  I feel "saturated", like when rain comes and soaks the ground to the point where it cannot absorb any more - my brain, my heart, my soul feel saturated, like there has been too much and I am now unable to respond to anything new.

One of the dynamics has been that I have missed Brandi terribly in the past few weeks.  Maybe from Eli's birthday onward, I have felt her loss daily, and it has been a heavy weight upon my heart.  I took the kids away last weekend for an over night to the Great Wolf Lodge in Massachusetts, an indoor waterpark/resort/hotel.  The kids had fun, it was a great memory to make - but i was exhausted by it.  The kids wanted me to do things with them - which I had anticipated - but it left little room for rest for me. The resort was also filled with families - moms and dads, with their kids, enjoying the resort, and I found that particularly difficult this time.  As the holidays approach - with Halloween the first (Brandi helped set some great patterns for our kids that I will be able to keep up, but still...) - so much more will i miss.  A year ago we were still in a fairly blissfully positive place where her treatment was going well, she was feeling generally well, and we could not have imagined what lay in store for us at this point a year ago.

Not only do I miss her - but I am finding myself fighting a battle in my own heart.  I can see, imagine, and even live out on a day to day basis some of what life looks like moving on, living life without her.  We do it, and there are moments (like tonight, after dinner in the kitchen having a wrestling/tickle match with the kids) where there is real joy.  But I don't want it.  I don't want life with out her.  I don't want to move on - I have realized that this is a part of where I am at, what I am struggling with.  And I know Who I need to talk with about it, but I have found that difficult to do.  You can pray for help with that. 

I do see God's grace in the daily things - we have had a beautiful fall here in CT, and my heart has been pierced by it (like Faramir and Frodo looking out of the Window to the West in The Two Towers).  Even in our garden - which has been neglected too much, and has suffered some, I hope not irreparable damage - has shown unusual life, like the fact that our rose bush, which seemed done for the year, produced this beauty in the past two weeks:

Small reminders of the Lord's daily grace that keeps me going - for these I am thankful, while the big picture seems much harder - Lord, what are you doing in this?  What do you have for me?  What good could there be that will help me process the loss of what seemed to be so exceedingly good in our life together? I feel like I am limping through life - maybe carrying a huge weight of loss and sorrow right now, that sometimes I let down for a moment but had felt very heavy lately.  Most life tasks feel difficult, like I'm walking with lead in my shoes or something.  I've been sleeping more but not being rested.  It all just seems hard right now..

Thank you friends for listening to my rambling.  I have not posted because I wanted to make sense of all of this - I finally realized I just needed to write.  Know that your prayers, and notes, mean so much to me.

Matt

Happy Birthday Eli

Happy Birthday Eli!

Today our little buddy turned 7!  We have had a good two days of celebrating  - yesterday with a party for friends at Lighthouse point, including games, a pinata, and an absolute gift of a gorgeous warm fall day by the Sound; today after school we celebrated with Pepe's pizza (the local gold standard by many accounts) and then came home for cake with some family friends and then presents.  It really was a fun two days, and our kids talk about Brandi but don't seem to miss her actively. 

As for me, and "Nana and Pappy" it was bittersweet - more sweet than bitter, but I missed her a lot in the last two days, remembering when we had a party for eli there two years ago when we knew the cancer had come back and were capturing moments as best we could.  It was a magical day two years ago - I'm not sure these two days were magical, but they were much better than I imagined it.  Eli has a few day's work of Lego's in front of him, with Katie all too willing to help out as she can! 

I'll write more soon, but I wanted to say hi and thanks for the messages we received concerning Eli's brithday.  It means so much to hear from you all as you get a chance to say hi.

in Him

Matt

Special moments

Dear Friends,

Its been a while...sorry about that.  Life has been full, and promises to continue to be so.  I was thinking that in the past few weeks there have been a few special moments that I have been reflecting on, ones that have been, as you might imagine, full of a whole lot of different emotions along the way.

1.  A special trip to NY.  Thanks to a number of holidays in September, my kids have been off school a bit, and we have been talking about taking a trip to New York City.  In December 2013 we had a very magical trip, staying in Times Square and seeing the Lion King on broadway, going for a carriage ride in central park in the snow, visiting the Christmas tree in Rockefeller center and FAO Schwartz before it closed (oh, and the Lego store in Rockefeller plaza).  It was a special trip for us at the time, and the kids have talked about it a lot.  So, I thought lets do it again!  As with last time, we were provided with a hotel room by family (thanks, Nana!) right near the NY public library, which allowed us to walk from Grand Central when we arrived, we walked through Bryant park to Times Square that evening to the M&M store, checked out Toys R Us, and then crashed back in our room.  In the morning, we got breakfast, played soccer in our hotel room, went to the library and read Elephant and Piggy and Magic Tree House, and then headed up to Rockefeller center - to the Lego store, really!  The food, and the view from the Top of the Rock, and the trip to the American Girl Doll store were all secondary to the lego store for Eli.  We had a fun trip - but I missed Brandi a lot, missed her ability to make these trips so special, and missed her joy in our family adventuring together.

2.  Friends special events.  In the past 24 hours, I have had close friends have a baby (welcome Owen!) and other friends announce that after a long, and at times difficult wait, they have been chosen by a birth mother for adoption in November.  Both of these events fill my heart with joy - and yet that joy is tinged, as it seems most of life is these days, with the sense of how much more special it would be to share that joy with Brandi, who loved babies and family and was so good at encouraging, valuing, championing, and celebrating moms and families. She is, I believe, rejoicing in heaven about these events - but I long for her at my side in these moments.

3. This is more about me, but I have also gotten back into the pulpit again - the first time since, apart from one outlier in June, December.  It has been, in fact, a joy to return to pastoring our church in this way.  I have been encouraged that I have been able to think, study, and prepare well - I wondered if I would be able to earlier this year.  I have been able to prepare even given my weekly schedule and commitment to the kids, which I was worried about (maybe, just maybe, it does work better to start earlier and be done by Friday afternoon!).  But I thought I would share that with you as an encouragement.

Finally, a prayer request.  I have felt a bit, well, stuck for the past month about what the next steps are in pursuing my grieving process.  I have been busy with the start of school and things at church - but have strongly sensed that I cannot allow pursuing this process to be sidelined.  I have finished the H. Norman Wright book, and have been avoiding actually working on the grief journal until I just started this week - but only once.  Please pray that I will stay at it, and that the Lord will meet me in it.

Thank you friends.  I include a picture or two from NYC at the bottom for your enjoyment.

Matt

What do I miss the most?

Dear Friends,

Sorry I have been so absent.  I would like to be more disciplined to keep you all updated - the kids have learned to swim this summer, they started school on Monday, and seem to be doing well.  I am back working at the church, which is both stretching but also good in many ways.  I was able to preach this past Sunday, and it was encouraging that the fog of the past eight months has lifted enough for some clarity of thought and communication.  It has been good to be busy - but I don't know if it has been healing as much as distraction, as I feel this undercurrent that surfaces once the kids go to bed and I am alone in the house with my thoughts, the yawning emptiness of life without Brandi.

I have been seeing a counselor some, and he asked me last time we met recently the question "What do you miss the most"?  I had not put it into words until then, but two things emerged:

1.  I miss her companionship.  I was single longer than most (38 years old), struggled with but had found some good rhythms of life as a single guy in ministry, but when finally Brandi came into my life as my wife, it was one of the greatest gifts.  She and I had talked often of how Psalm 16:6 it says "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."  Whatever translation I used back then, it referred to the "lines" as "boundary lines".  We talked about the way that meant, for both of us, prolonged singleness as a boundary line, one that we both struggled to receive as "pleasant" at times, but in the end came to see the many blessings of those years.  We also rejoiced that in marriage we now had new boundary lines that certainly felt very pleasant to us.  I miss her friendship.  I miss the day to day processing of ideas, relationships.  I miss the joy of doing life together, a phrase we used often.  We didn't want the parallel lives it can be so easy to live - we wanted life together with each other.  I miss her in decision making, from what new beds to buy the kids to what to have for dinner or who to spend our weekend with.  I miss walking around our neighborhood holding hands.  

2.  I miss the richness she brought to my life, and to our life as a family.  SO many times this summer, I realized that even when we follow the pattern of things we have done together in the past, it just isn't the same.  I can't plant a garden, plan a picnic, build a play fort, go on a road trip, have a movie night with the kids, without feeling how flat it feels without all the many, little ways that her love, her creativity, her special flair and touch made our lives so rich.  She was not flashy, not ostentatious, and in many ways simple in her creativity and care - but it was rich, deep, and it brought significance and sweetness to many things both big and small, both mundane and special - in fact, she might have been even better at making the mundane special than at pulling off the special!  So I miss her in so many ways.  How would she have added to Katie's first day of school?  What would she have done to make our trip to the aquarium more memorable?  What would she have done with the flowers in our garden which are dying in the drought and need to be deadheaded now?  How would she have decorated the kids room with their new lofted beds?  

Some have asked me if I miss her in particular circumstances - and it means a lot that they ask, and I so appreciate their care.  In my heart, though, what swells up in my heart is the reality that I miss her every day, many times every day.  It is this emptiness, this gaping hole rent in our life and in my soul, that wells up when the kids are in bed...

If you pray, pray for us in this way:

Pray for the kids, particularly Katie, as they adjust to school.  It has gone well, please pray for more days of this.

Pray for management of life - I often feel like I'm just surviving, which might be enough for now, but I long for it to be more than that, I just don't feel like I have the energy or ability to make it happen.

Pray for the Lord's grace for sweet and rich times together with the three of us.

Pray for my grieving process - I have been reading a book recently by H Norman Wright that has a whole series of questions to process, and I think I need to sit down and begin working through those questions, but I haven't yet.  Pray for me to be able to engage with that and for it to be helpful.

Thanks friends.  I leave you with a picture from this summer, the first day of school

Matt

Sweet and sad...

Dear Friends,

One year ago, we celebrated Brandi's 40th birthday.  Given the year we had had, she was thankful to have reached forty, and we celebrated with an understated but very happy family celebration.

Today, Eli and Katie and I watched the video of surprising her with muffin/cupcakes for breakfast that morning, and singing happy birthday to her.  We went out to a favorite breakfast place (Lena's in Westville), and then spent the day at home together.  It was a sweet day in many ways, but like most days a bittersweet one, in that each day seems to remind me in a new way of the depth of her loss.  A trip to Ikea (the first, I think, since her death), swimming in Tanta's pool, or a day at the aquarium were all things that we have done this summer - but like one of those odd internet videos, like a regular member of the scene is suddenly missing, reruns with a huge hole where they once were.  This month has been more painful, I think, than the previous ones, as I have felt the loss more than ever.

Which makes this day even more pronounced in sweet and sad.  The fact that there will never be another birthday for her is both sweet and sad - she is in eternity, and as such I don't think they count any more!  She is healed, and whole, and without pain and without sin and in the presence of the Lord in an eternal state that is beyond our understanding in its fullness.  Sad for us, who mark the day as a remember of the goodness of the gift of her life, and the sadness of our hearts now that she is gone. 

But this day has also been sweet for another reason - for I have been reminded of what a sweet community God has placed me in.  The number of texts, emails, and messages I have received today have reminded me that I am not alone in this loss - that many friends are with me in both the sweet memories and in the sadness of loss.  I have found that my greatest fear is that I will be alone in the pain - and in some ways that is true, for no one can know exactly what my particular shade of grief is like - and yet they expressed words of solidarity, of grieving not just for me but with me, of love for Brandi and love for our family.  I was asked yesterday what I have seen God up to - well, today, I am overwhelmed with the way He has prompted many to minister to me.  Thank you friends.  Thank you Jesus.

I know it has been a long time.  I'm emerging from a time of leave which I have tried to unburden myself as much as possible, but I hope I'll be back in touch more in the coming weeks.  Thank you all for your love and prayers for us.  I'll try to post picture soon, too.

Matt

Prayer for my little ones

Dear Friends,

Will you pray for Eli and Katie tonight?  They both are running a fever - Eli came down with it on Sunday, Katie today.  I had hoped this would be a quiet week at home, with little to do and just a chance to be together...and we are, but not in a happy state as both of them are a bit miserable.  Pray for me, as well, not to catch it, and to care for them well.  Thanks friends.

Matt

In need...

Dear friends,

This is a quick note for prayer.  Will you pray for me when you read this?  I am feeling weary and discouraged, overwhelmed and very much missing my bride gone to be with my Lord.  I have seen the Lord sustain and help, but this past month has been just a hard one for many many reasons.  Please pray for me, that the Lord's encouragement will be strong for me, that I won't give in to despair or discouragement, and that I would receive and know His grace sufficient for me.  Thanks.

Matt

Sickness

Dear Friends,

Just a quick post for prayer for two things.  First, I am sick - like slept in bed all day sick - with some kind of flu including stomach issues.  It was not a fun 24 hours, and I'm still feeling pretty bad.  Thankfully my in-laws are in town - hooray for Nana and Pappy - so life for the kids has gone on well, with special treats as well.  I'm thankful for God's timing in their visit.  I'm also preaching on Sunday, so you can pray for that.

Secondly, in light of that, pray for my little girl, especially.  She looked at me tonight with fear - she has never really seen daddy sick like this much, and I think she is having a hard time separating the flu from cancer, and is afriad.  Will you pray for her little heart to be comforted? 

Thanks friends. 

Matt

the ring...

BJK MMC 05-12-07 Song of Songs 8:6-7

So reads the inscription on the inside of my wedding ring.  (Well, my replacement ring - I lost the original in Lake Erie).  I made the decision a few weeks ago to take it off.  You might be surprised  about how much discussion it generates on widower blog sites.  On one side: to keep your ring on is to demonstrate faithfulness to your beloved lost one.  On the other side a resort to "when you are ready" which usually means, ready to get out there and try to date again. Honestly, none of these were particularly compelling, or even relevant at this point in my life.  My honoring her is not bound in this ring, nor can I even conceive of being "ready" to date again for years. 

But I was thinking about wearing the ring as I came up on our wedding anniversary earlier in May.  I remembered the vows we made:

I Matt take you Brandi to be my lawfully wedded wife
to have and to hold from this day forward
for better and worse
for richer and poorer
in sickness and in health
to love and to cherish
forsaking all others
till death do us part
this is my solemn pledge to you

And I realized that I am no longer married.  That vow has been completed - by God's grace, imperfectly but faithfully, fulfilled, till death do us part.  As much as I miss her - and I do, more each day - and as much as I wish I could somehow bring her back so that I would still be kept by this vow - that is not my present reality.  Each day, several times a day, I notice that my ring in not where I am used to it being - and it reminds me of this new reality that I am in.  It reminds me that she is gone.  It stirs in me fond memories as well as sadness.  It helps me face the loss and come to grips with it.  She will always be precious to me - but death has parted us until I too cross into glory, and for now the road ahead is a solo journey.

So now it sits on my dresser, near her own rings in her own box (minus her band that we buried with her.  They sit together as a testimony of God's great gift of our marriage - of a love that even many waters cannot part, that is as strong as death - for a season.  I rejoice in that season.  I miss that season. To face the loss of that season is now the path that God has appointed for me, knowing that He is leading me now in this new season, as hard as it can be to see that at times.

Hydrangeas

Dear friends,

Today, one of the Hydrangeas bloomed - or at least today I noticed it, after a weekend on the couch with a nasty cold/flu thing.  We have had a large hydrangea bush in our yard that has never blossomed, ever.  So I dug it out this spring - I was done with it!  When I got bushes to go with the memorial bench I got Hydrangeas and I saw that they were just budding - and hoped that we would get flowers this year.  And we did - a little sign of the Lord's kindness.

Hydrangeas were the flower we picked for our wedding - because they could be pink, or blue, or white (it started when she asked me, what flowers are blue!?).  They are notoriously difficult to care for - they die in your vase before any other flower in your arrangement - but they are glorious balls of beauty on the plant.  And they were beautiful in Brandi's hands the day we were married.  They were always her favorite...

This past week has been a rough one - not because of anything per se hard, but more because it was just a full week, with a few extra things thrown in here and there, which left me tired at the end of the week - then this flu/cold thing hit, then Eli got a bout of stomach on Sunday afternoon...and this wonderful three day weekend of rest, play and family togetherness was more of one of survival.  Today was better, but now it is back to the daily schedule.

You can pray for the kids - they went to be tonight on the refrain, "Daddy, you didn't play with me at all today!"  Chalk some of that up to the little one drama factor, but it reflects a bit of their heart - I think they may be feeling the change of seasons and missing Brandi, as she has been a lot on their mind this past week and in our conversation.

I was reminded by a friend tonight of my own need to keep making space for grief.  I'm wanting to play my part at church, some of the support from church I had I stopped, and the kids lives are asking for more (the end of year stuff is a lot - field trips that need parents, extra meetings, etc.).  It can be easy for me to fall into thinking that it is time to get over it and move on - and those around me are moving on some too, which is of course normal and natural, but it is easy for that to obscure the reality, and to allow the busy-ness to fill the screen. 

So it is a lot...and I have not had quiet evenings, and have been often too tired to engage when I have.   I wish I could just be responsive...but I have realized I need to keep pursuing grief, because I so easily fall into hiding in busy-ness or distraction.  So you can pray, friends, for that.  Pray for the Lord to meet me in it all - for His presence to be real, his Love to be sweet, His strength to me mine.  I want it, but it feels far off, often.  I think I fear falling apart to get there - to truly be broken in grief, in an incapacitating way - but wonder if that is keeping me from it.

Thanks for your notes as well.  It is always good to hear from you - as another friend wrote, grief is so often isolating and lonely - it is good to have others to journey with me.

Matt

I realized as I looked how long it has been since I have posted.  The past weeks have been full - full or a bit more return to life, ministry, and continuing to rebuild life together as a family.  We have celebrated Easter, traveled to see family, and settled in a bit more rhythm as well. 

With the coming of spring has come a thaw in more than the snow in our back yard disappearing.  There has been a thawing of my heart - a good sign, but it has been hard.  With the change of seasons, as well, comes a new series of "firsts".  I had been warned that firsts could be hard - some of them were not so much early on, but they have gotten harder.  For example:

Today is graduation day at Yale.  All the students must leave by tomorrow noon.  Brandi would have rounded up a friend or two and headed out with a van empty of all but essential seating, with the hopes of scoring some truly amazing stuff that departing graduates leave behind.  It was a joy for her, finding good things to bless our family, our dress up-chest, or our friends.  I would stay home and put the kids to bed.  So I did that tonight...but no one went out, and there will be no more discussion about whether or not items made of cloth can be adequately fumigated/cleaned to be used in our house! 

That is, of course, a trivial example.  In the past two weeks, we walked through Mother's day, our 8th wedding anniversary, and the 14th of May, which is the 4-month mark of her going to be with the Lord.  Because of the seasons in CT, this past Saturday we also planted our garden (with the help of amazing friends who came and made it both possible and a fun day), which would have also been a special event with Brandi and the kids.  Every day, the gaping hole seems larger, not smaller, and the sadness that weighs on my heart feels a bit heavier.  I had predicted that it would get harder, and I think is already has...and likely will. 

In all of it, I feel that I am struggling to do what I said I wanted to do in the last post.  I want to face the pain, in hopes of finding God and his companionship and comfort in it...but I struggle to.  I'm so tired at the end of the day, it is hard to find energy and determination to do it.  The lack of blogging reflects a lack of engagement, I fear.  I have been so thankful for friends who have engaged with me - it has been so helpful for them to share their memories of Brandi, and about their own process of missing her and grieving.  But I still struggle - so you can pray for that.  This post is a first step

The kids are doing well.  In just the past few days, Katie in particular has talked a lot more about Brandi, in the context of pointing out what we are missing without her.  I am glad for that...it is good to hear them think of her and talk about her.

OK, I am tired for tonight, so I will leave it here...but please do pray for me if you read this.

In Him,

Matt

What I shared at our church this morning...

Dear friends,

I shared at my church this morning, and thought I would post this to share with you as well.  All the information referred to at the end of the time is on this blog, particularly the last post, if you are looking for that.  Thanks for praying.

Matt

If you are visiting today – I am Matt Coburn, one of the pastors here.  My wife Brandi went home to be with the Lord in mid-January after battling cancer for 3 ½ years.  After some time off, I am returning to work at the church, and want to give you an update on our family and share a few words.

How are you doing?  It is the most natural question – the answer is, we are doing OK.  Every day there are reminders of Brandi, holes in our lives where she once was but is no longer there.  But we are making it through each day.  The kids have returned to school, providing some structure and daily routine for them.  They talk about mommy regularly, but don’t cry or talk about missing her, but rather just have oversized emotional reactions to other things of life.  Some of you have asked about talking about her with them – I think it is OK when done naturally, as long as you don’t expect or pressure them to share – particularly Katie does not respond well right now to that.  But it is OK to mention her when it would be natural for you to do so.

As for me – I am not always even sure how to answer the question.  The days have been fairly full of life responsibilities, the evenings have been harder – tired, restless, feeling the emptiness a lot.  I’m still pretty numb, though just recently there has been some more thawing in my heart.  Much of life still feels flat, colorless, in the midst of our grief – I miss her every day.

God – he is the same God, and this had not changed – his faithfulness, his goodness, his mercy, his salvation, his sovereignty, his love, all are the same.  I have been reading slowly through Psalm 40 and been encouraged by it, but am struggling with it as well.  I affirm all that he says – God is our salvation and in this hope we have great comfort, for Brandi is now free from pain, sorrow, sadness, cancer, and is filled with joy that is expressible as she is with her Lord.  In God’s sovereign goodness we are still here, and he is still the same glorious savior and loving father.  He is the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our afflictions, as Paul in 2^nd Corinthians 1 says.

But my heart does not exult in those things yet.  I am afraid of facing the pain of loss head on, and find myself running from it.  I want to protect my heart from pain - but I know that facing the pain is a necessary part of knowing God’s comfort.  It is the way to have a heart that is alive.   Without facing the pain of losing Brandi, I cannot know the real comfort of God in that with me – and that comfort is something I long for.  But the pain seems overwhelming at times, and I want to try to avoid it – so you can pray for me about that.

This leads me to something that has been on my heart in the past week. I have found it is in the company of friends, when talking about lots of things, where Brandi comes up naturally in conversation, and particularly when we talk together about who she was in our lives, how we saw God in her, and even explicitly processing the end of her life here on earth – it is in those times when I am able face the pain and my heart connects, and I feel it.  It is in those times when I begin to feel God’s comfort as well.  Brandi’s death, while not unexpected, came on very fast.  Christmas eve, she was here, in some pain but we were still looking ahead in hope and faith to more time together.  Three weeks later, she died.  For me, that was very quick.  For many of you, it was out of the blue – and there was no time to share together, to be together, to share and cry and express love to one another.  Death stole that from us, and in God’s mercy I think to her it was a blessing to her – but a loss for us.  And it has been hard to know what to do with that.  It has been in talking with others that I have been helped.  I wonder if I am not the only one who works like that.

So this is my thought – and my invitation.  I know that the elders have been shepherding you all through this, but I want in on that.  I want to invite you to enter into a process of grieving together – remembering, mourning what has been lost, facing regret, disappointment, sadness that overwhelms.  I want to let you know that I want you to come and share with me about these things.  My guess is that we tend to grieve in private rather than in community, but I think we need to do it in community as well – with me, with one another

I also recognize that my loss is not the only one, that some of you have losses that have overwhelmed you – some very raw and present, some in the past.  Maybe those have been kept in private, and maybe God has brought us in this season as a church to share those things together.  For when we face the pain of the things we grieve in this life – then the comfort of God, both in this life as well as our future hope may be ours as well.  Only a community of brokenness, who share from these vulnerable places, can also know the depths of the hope of the gospel of God.  And I invite you today to do this.

Some have asked – what can we do?  Well, my hope is that my words above may be the best thing – love those around you, connect and share with others, and point one another to the hope of life in Jesus.  But beyond that, let me say that I have felt so overwhelmingly supplied by the Lord, through family, the church, that our needs are not dire nor daily.  So what can you do?

First, love one another – take your desire to help my family, and find others who do have daily and present needs, and dive in.  If you don’t know how, talk with the deacons and elders about opportunities to do so.  There will likely be ways to help my family as well – meals, rides, some help with our home – you can keep in touch with the office about that – but in the meantime look for those around you and love them well.

Second – pray – keep praying for me and the kids.  This is a long process, not a bump in the road to get past but something that requires rebuilding almost every aspect of life.  Pray for the Lord to be at work in us as we do that.  I have set up a new blog to share on an ongoing basis, you can see the information in the bulletin about that.

Third, if you would like to contribute we are putting together a book of remembrance for Eli and Katie, so that they may have a bunch of snapshots of who Brandi was for their reading as they grow older and can treasure that more.  There is information about this as well, but you can send to my trinity email anything you would want to share. 

Thank you – your prayers, your notes, your support in so many ways, I have felt loved and cared for so much by you, our church.  My hope and prayer is that we will continue to walk through this together, and as we do so, we will be able to see God’s gracious hand at work in our lives, in our church, and through our church in this world for His glory and for our good.

Project for Kids - reposted here from Caringbridge

Hi Friends,

I realized recently that I have not posted this here...and wanted to.  So here it goes (Please note that we have a working deadline of April 1 for submissions):

Dear Friends,

 I had been thinking of this as I sat in the hospital and received so many moving and deeply encouraging testimonies about the way that the Lord worked in and through Brandi in your lives.  I want my children to know her in those ways, too.  So I had been thinking about it, and then caught wind that among some of Brandi's friends/disciples at Brown University there was a movement afoot for a similar project - so we are going to join forces for this, spearheaded by Jennifer Sparling (who is known by many as Georgia)  I have attached a letter from her below, but the gist of it is:  We want to put together a print book for Eli and Katie bearing witness to what kind of woman their mommy was, how others saw Jesus in her, and how God used her in their lives - the things they remember about her, loved about her, enjoyed with her.  Will you consider contributing?  If you sent us something during December and early January (Brandi and I shared the gmail account, so it has all gone across my desk, so to speak) would you consider resending it?  Thanks friends.

Matt

Here is the letter:

Hello all,

One of the things that most saddens me about Brandi's passing is that her kids, Eli and Katie, won't get to grow up knowing their amazing Christ-centered mother. There are so many stories, memories and tidbits that we know from our time with Brandi that might help fill out their idea of her one day when they're old enough to understand more. Matt, of course, will talk about her often, but there are a lot of things that could only come from us so...

I am reminded of The Four Loves where C.S. Lewis says, in the passing of a friend, that we all lose something that that person uniquely brought out in us and vice versa - those are blessings. Wouldn't it be so cool to share our experiences of Brandi's life with her kids, to share with them aspects of her character that we experienced in our friendships with her that so blessed us and memories that would help them better understand her?

So, I'm proposing to put together a compilation of just that for the kids, a book for each of them (same book, two copies), where we can share memories they might not otherwise hear. I'm sure as we have thought and prayed for the Coburns, many memories have surfaced in the past several weeks. - the first time you met Brandi, a time you laughed with her, an experience abroad, a time she challenged you, prayed with you, things she loved doing, something descriptive - the way she laughed or was always trying out new recipes for American food while in East Asia, any memory big or small that stands out to you.

Feel free to be creative (as long as it's not too complicated to layout.) - a letter, a story, a poem, a prayer (Word documents are preferable or clear scans)

This would be something Matt could give the kids when they're older and he feels they're ready, but best to make it now and do it up right. So please send your memories (put in a title too for good measure), along with a sentence or two for context so the kids know who you are, and send photo(s) to go with it (highest resolution you can.)  I pray this would be a testament the Lord would use to encourage Eli and Katie.

Once I get it all together and ready to print, I will probably beseech some of you for help with printing costs as I want this to be a beautiful, thoughtful gift and keepsake.

Please forward this to other friends of Brandi's.   And no pressure to submit anything.

[Deadline] April 1

[Email]   jennifer.sparling@gmail.com
[Upload to google docs]
https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0Bx7_ePrJVIVFRjQ5YkRZbVdnQVE&usp=drive_web

Hugs to all,

[Jennifer] Georgia

Hi Friends,

We got another 6' of snow last night, which was pretty but makes for a busy morning - especially today!  Katie started going to preschool this morning - a local place where a number of friends have taken their kids had an opening for their morning preschool, and it works really well with my schedule (overlaps with Eli's well), and she responded well to our visit last week.  This morning, she was sitting with a boy she knows from school (Hi Nathan!) engrossed in playdough when I left...she barely noticed!  So you can pray that she will continue to respond well, but this seems like a provision for the rest of the school year.  It will help with the regularity of my schedule (if we stop getting all these monday morning snowstorms!) as well.

We are doing well overall.  I had a thought - dare I call it a vision? maybe more just an image that came to mind - of me sitting trying to grasp a pile of sand as it ran through my hands.  I think it is how I am feeling about our life as a family - as the numbness wears off, I am finding myself grasping for the goodness of our life together, not wanting to lose it nor face the loss of it - but it is impossible to do that, and it leaves me feeling empty, holding the empty shell of a life that will no longer be.  I don't want to face the pain that is there...

I was reading Psalm 40 this morning, and read v. 5 - "You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us:  none can compare with you!"  I find myself assenting with my head, and reminding myself of the truth of that - and remembering that his wondrous deeds for us in Christ are beyond compare, and even the many, many blessings of our daily life are overwhelming.  Yet is not easy for my affections to respond with a hearty YES to that.  It is like I see it from afar and do not doubt it, but neither do I draw near, embrace it, and exult in it.  Pray for the Lord to draw near to my heart, to give me the courage to face the pain of this loss, and walk with me through what I anticipate to be a harder process ahead of feeling the pain of loss and grief so that I also will know the comfort of His love and presence with me, the joy that is in Him alone, and the companionship of his grieving with me, producing in me the hope that my heart will again one day exult in God who has done wondrous deeds.

Thanks friends.

Matt

Dear friends,

Thank you for your prayers.  This week has been a week with family, which has meant the kids have cousins to run/play with all day long, which is a great joy for them and a break for me.  I have been able to get some quiet times - for prayer, journaling, and more naps that I care to admit.  It has been restful, though I realize how tired I am, that I am not more refreshed!

I have realized that with some of the decisions facing us, I need wisdom from above, and also I need the Lord to provide in ways that are beyond my current resources.  I am still seeking to find a good plan for Katie this spring.  I think I/we may need some place to process some things as a family, so can your pray for the Lord to provide pastoral counsel of some sort.  Pray for my own heart - I have started meditating on Psalm 40, and finding that while I affirm as true what it says about God, I find myself distrustful - I don't want to entrust myself to God in hope that he will set my feet again on a solid rock.  (I know that he HAS done that for me in Christ - and maybe that is the only way my feet are secure - but to believe in His goodness and plan for us going forward is where it is hard).  Wondering what He wants to do in my heart, not sure how to pursue Him in it.

Thanks friends.

Matt

Dear Friends,

I have been thinking for a while about how to continue to post some - because I have been so encouraged in the past three years, and particularly in the past two months, as I have been able to share with many of you from far away, many who I don't know how else to keep in touch with, and many whom I don't always get to share these kinds of things with.  Your prayers and encouragement have meant so much - and I find myself both needing that and missing a chance to connect with you as we had on caringbridge.  Caringbridge has been wonderful - but it feels like that is the place where we walked together the journey of Brandi's cancer, and now that she is with the Lord, a new chapter has begun for the three of us, and it seemed like a new place to share would be good.  So I have started this.  I am not really very good at some of the technical and aesthetic parts of this, but I hope it will serve. 

So here we go.  I will post something of substance soon, I just wanted to get this up there now.

Matt

If you have found this and want to find the caring bridge site and don't know of it, here it is:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brandic