What do I miss the most?

Dear Friends,

Sorry I have been so absent.  I would like to be more disciplined to keep you all updated - the kids have learned to swim this summer, they started school on Monday, and seem to be doing well.  I am back working at the church, which is both stretching but also good in many ways.  I was able to preach this past Sunday, and it was encouraging that the fog of the past eight months has lifted enough for some clarity of thought and communication.  It has been good to be busy - but I don't know if it has been healing as much as distraction, as I feel this undercurrent that surfaces once the kids go to bed and I am alone in the house with my thoughts, the yawning emptiness of life without Brandi.

I have been seeing a counselor some, and he asked me last time we met recently the question "What do you miss the most"?  I had not put it into words until then, but two things emerged:

1.  I miss her companionship.  I was single longer than most (38 years old), struggled with but had found some good rhythms of life as a single guy in ministry, but when finally Brandi came into my life as my wife, it was one of the greatest gifts.  She and I had talked often of how Psalm 16:6 it says "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."  Whatever translation I used back then, it referred to the "lines" as "boundary lines".  We talked about the way that meant, for both of us, prolonged singleness as a boundary line, one that we both struggled to receive as "pleasant" at times, but in the end came to see the many blessings of those years.  We also rejoiced that in marriage we now had new boundary lines that certainly felt very pleasant to us.  I miss her friendship.  I miss the day to day processing of ideas, relationships.  I miss the joy of doing life together, a phrase we used often.  We didn't want the parallel lives it can be so easy to live - we wanted life together with each other.  I miss her in decision making, from what new beds to buy the kids to what to have for dinner or who to spend our weekend with.  I miss walking around our neighborhood holding hands.  

2.  I miss the richness she brought to my life, and to our life as a family.  SO many times this summer, I realized that even when we follow the pattern of things we have done together in the past, it just isn't the same.  I can't plant a garden, plan a picnic, build a play fort, go on a road trip, have a movie night with the kids, without feeling how flat it feels without all the many, little ways that her love, her creativity, her special flair and touch made our lives so rich.  She was not flashy, not ostentatious, and in many ways simple in her creativity and care - but it was rich, deep, and it brought significance and sweetness to many things both big and small, both mundane and special - in fact, she might have been even better at making the mundane special than at pulling off the special!  So I miss her in so many ways.  How would she have added to Katie's first day of school?  What would she have done to make our trip to the aquarium more memorable?  What would she have done with the flowers in our garden which are dying in the drought and need to be deadheaded now?  How would she have decorated the kids room with their new lofted beds?  

Some have asked me if I miss her in particular circumstances - and it means a lot that they ask, and I so appreciate their care.  In my heart, though, what swells up in my heart is the reality that I miss her every day, many times every day.  It is this emptiness, this gaping hole rent in our life and in my soul, that wells up when the kids are in bed...

If you pray, pray for us in this way:

Pray for the kids, particularly Katie, as they adjust to school.  It has gone well, please pray for more days of this.

Pray for management of life - I often feel like I'm just surviving, which might be enough for now, but I long for it to be more than that, I just don't feel like I have the energy or ability to make it happen.

Pray for the Lord's grace for sweet and rich times together with the three of us.

Pray for my grieving process - I have been reading a book recently by H Norman Wright that has a whole series of questions to process, and I think I need to sit down and begin working through those questions, but I haven't yet.  Pray for me to be able to engage with that and for it to be helpful.

Thanks friends.  I leave you with a picture from this summer, the first day of school

Matt