I realized as I looked how long it has been since I have posted. The past weeks have been full - full or a bit more return to life, ministry, and continuing to rebuild life together as a family. We have celebrated Easter, traveled to see family, and settled in a bit more rhythm as well.
With the coming of spring has come a thaw in more than the snow in our back yard disappearing. There has been a thawing of my heart - a good sign, but it has been hard. With the change of seasons, as well, comes a new series of "firsts". I had been warned that firsts could be hard - some of them were not so much early on, but they have gotten harder. For example:
Today is graduation day at Yale. All the students must leave by tomorrow noon. Brandi would have rounded up a friend or two and headed out with a van empty of all but essential seating, with the hopes of scoring some truly amazing stuff that departing graduates leave behind. It was a joy for her, finding good things to bless our family, our dress up-chest, or our friends. I would stay home and put the kids to bed. So I did that tonight...but no one went out, and there will be no more discussion about whether or not items made of cloth can be adequately fumigated/cleaned to be used in our house!
That is, of course, a trivial example. In the past two weeks, we walked through Mother's day, our 8th wedding anniversary, and the 14th of May, which is the 4-month mark of her going to be with the Lord. Because of the seasons in CT, this past Saturday we also planted our garden (with the help of amazing friends who came and made it both possible and a fun day), which would have also been a special event with Brandi and the kids. Every day, the gaping hole seems larger, not smaller, and the sadness that weighs on my heart feels a bit heavier. I had predicted that it would get harder, and I think is already has...and likely will.
In all of it, I feel that I am struggling to do what I said I wanted to do in the last post. I want to face the pain, in hopes of finding God and his companionship and comfort in it...but I struggle to. I'm so tired at the end of the day, it is hard to find energy and determination to do it. The lack of blogging reflects a lack of engagement, I fear. I have been so thankful for friends who have engaged with me - it has been so helpful for them to share their memories of Brandi, and about their own process of missing her and grieving. But I still struggle - so you can pray for that. This post is a first step
The kids are doing well. In just the past few days, Katie in particular has talked a lot more about Brandi, in the context of pointing out what we are missing without her. I am glad for that...it is good to hear them think of her and talk about her.
OK, I am tired for tonight, so I will leave it here...but please do pray for me if you read this.
In Him,
Matt
Yes, Matt, we are praying for you and for Eli and Katie, as you are often on our hearts. You are doing an amazing job with them and an amazing amount of work, I can imagine. Praying for good conversations with the Lord and with each other. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteIt was good to see you briefly again on graduation Sunday and revisit our Trinity family! You and your family have been in our prayers, and we will continue to pray for your grieving, deepening, and healing over the long term.
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ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Matt. Will continue to pray for you and the kids. --Katherine
ReplyDeleteHi Matt, you and the kids are often in our prayers and thoughts. Thank you for sharing our journey with us, dear friend.
ReplyDeleteScott & Tina
Hi, Matt - thank you for the update. I had to smile at memories of the post-moving day treasure hunt at Yale!
ReplyDeleteWe continue to pray for you, your kids, and Brandi's parents and brother to find comfort and healing in the Lord. Also asking Him to pursue you gently and give you energy to engage, even when you are tired. And - as in your garden, so recently planted - to nourish and nurture each of you at the root, to enable fruit/flowering in future days.
May God continue to renew your heart as you walk, and that of the children. You all are in my prayers. Keep walking friend, in this way you honor Brandi who wants nothing less than the best for you as you walk this journey, and bring glory to God. Suzanne
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting, Matt. It is good, albeit hard, to hear from you and catch a glimpse of how you are doing. Our hearts ache for you. You and your little ones continue to be in our prayers. Words fall so very short. Looking forward to seeing you soon. Love you, brother.
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