the ring...

BJK MMC 05-12-07 Song of Songs 8:6-7

So reads the inscription on the inside of my wedding ring.  (Well, my replacement ring - I lost the original in Lake Erie).  I made the decision a few weeks ago to take it off.  You might be surprised  about how much discussion it generates on widower blog sites.  On one side: to keep your ring on is to demonstrate faithfulness to your beloved lost one.  On the other side a resort to "when you are ready" which usually means, ready to get out there and try to date again. Honestly, none of these were particularly compelling, or even relevant at this point in my life.  My honoring her is not bound in this ring, nor can I even conceive of being "ready" to date again for years. 

But I was thinking about wearing the ring as I came up on our wedding anniversary earlier in May.  I remembered the vows we made:

I Matt take you Brandi to be my lawfully wedded wife
to have and to hold from this day forward
for better and worse
for richer and poorer
in sickness and in health
to love and to cherish
forsaking all others
till death do us part
this is my solemn pledge to you

And I realized that I am no longer married.  That vow has been completed - by God's grace, imperfectly but faithfully, fulfilled, till death do us part.  As much as I miss her - and I do, more each day - and as much as I wish I could somehow bring her back so that I would still be kept by this vow - that is not my present reality.  Each day, several times a day, I notice that my ring in not where I am used to it being - and it reminds me of this new reality that I am in.  It reminds me that she is gone.  It stirs in me fond memories as well as sadness.  It helps me face the loss and come to grips with it.  She will always be precious to me - but death has parted us until I too cross into glory, and for now the road ahead is a solo journey.

So now it sits on my dresser, near her own rings in her own box (minus her band that we buried with her.  They sit together as a testimony of God's great gift of our marriage - of a love that even many waters cannot part, that is as strong as death - for a season.  I rejoice in that season.  I miss that season. To face the loss of that season is now the path that God has appointed for me, knowing that He is leading me now in this new season, as hard as it can be to see that at times.