Hydrangeas

Dear friends,

Today, one of the Hydrangeas bloomed - or at least today I noticed it, after a weekend on the couch with a nasty cold/flu thing.  We have had a large hydrangea bush in our yard that has never blossomed, ever.  So I dug it out this spring - I was done with it!  When I got bushes to go with the memorial bench I got Hydrangeas and I saw that they were just budding - and hoped that we would get flowers this year.  And we did - a little sign of the Lord's kindness.

Hydrangeas were the flower we picked for our wedding - because they could be pink, or blue, or white (it started when she asked me, what flowers are blue!?).  They are notoriously difficult to care for - they die in your vase before any other flower in your arrangement - but they are glorious balls of beauty on the plant.  And they were beautiful in Brandi's hands the day we were married.  They were always her favorite...

This past week has been a rough one - not because of anything per se hard, but more because it was just a full week, with a few extra things thrown in here and there, which left me tired at the end of the week - then this flu/cold thing hit, then Eli got a bout of stomach on Sunday afternoon...and this wonderful three day weekend of rest, play and family togetherness was more of one of survival.  Today was better, but now it is back to the daily schedule.

You can pray for the kids - they went to be tonight on the refrain, "Daddy, you didn't play with me at all today!"  Chalk some of that up to the little one drama factor, but it reflects a bit of their heart - I think they may be feeling the change of seasons and missing Brandi, as she has been a lot on their mind this past week and in our conversation.

I was reminded by a friend tonight of my own need to keep making space for grief.  I'm wanting to play my part at church, some of the support from church I had I stopped, and the kids lives are asking for more (the end of year stuff is a lot - field trips that need parents, extra meetings, etc.).  It can be easy for me to fall into thinking that it is time to get over it and move on - and those around me are moving on some too, which is of course normal and natural, but it is easy for that to obscure the reality, and to allow the busy-ness to fill the screen. 

So it is a lot...and I have not had quiet evenings, and have been often too tired to engage when I have.   I wish I could just be responsive...but I have realized I need to keep pursuing grief, because I so easily fall into hiding in busy-ness or distraction.  So you can pray, friends, for that.  Pray for the Lord to meet me in it all - for His presence to be real, his Love to be sweet, His strength to me mine.  I want it, but it feels far off, often.  I think I fear falling apart to get there - to truly be broken in grief, in an incapacitating way - but wonder if that is keeping me from it.

Thanks for your notes as well.  It is always good to hear from you - as another friend wrote, grief is so often isolating and lonely - it is good to have others to journey with me.

Matt