Sickness

Dear Friends,

Just a quick post for prayer for two things.  First, I am sick - like slept in bed all day sick - with some kind of flu including stomach issues.  It was not a fun 24 hours, and I'm still feeling pretty bad.  Thankfully my in-laws are in town - hooray for Nana and Pappy - so life for the kids has gone on well, with special treats as well.  I'm thankful for God's timing in their visit.  I'm also preaching on Sunday, so you can pray for that.

Secondly, in light of that, pray for my little girl, especially.  She looked at me tonight with fear - she has never really seen daddy sick like this much, and I think she is having a hard time separating the flu from cancer, and is afriad.  Will you pray for her little heart to be comforted? 

Thanks friends. 

Matt

the ring...

BJK MMC 05-12-07 Song of Songs 8:6-7

So reads the inscription on the inside of my wedding ring.  (Well, my replacement ring - I lost the original in Lake Erie).  I made the decision a few weeks ago to take it off.  You might be surprised  about how much discussion it generates on widower blog sites.  On one side: to keep your ring on is to demonstrate faithfulness to your beloved lost one.  On the other side a resort to "when you are ready" which usually means, ready to get out there and try to date again. Honestly, none of these were particularly compelling, or even relevant at this point in my life.  My honoring her is not bound in this ring, nor can I even conceive of being "ready" to date again for years. 

But I was thinking about wearing the ring as I came up on our wedding anniversary earlier in May.  I remembered the vows we made:

I Matt take you Brandi to be my lawfully wedded wife
to have and to hold from this day forward
for better and worse
for richer and poorer
in sickness and in health
to love and to cherish
forsaking all others
till death do us part
this is my solemn pledge to you

And I realized that I am no longer married.  That vow has been completed - by God's grace, imperfectly but faithfully, fulfilled, till death do us part.  As much as I miss her - and I do, more each day - and as much as I wish I could somehow bring her back so that I would still be kept by this vow - that is not my present reality.  Each day, several times a day, I notice that my ring in not where I am used to it being - and it reminds me of this new reality that I am in.  It reminds me that she is gone.  It stirs in me fond memories as well as sadness.  It helps me face the loss and come to grips with it.  She will always be precious to me - but death has parted us until I too cross into glory, and for now the road ahead is a solo journey.

So now it sits on my dresser, near her own rings in her own box (minus her band that we buried with her.  They sit together as a testimony of God's great gift of our marriage - of a love that even many waters cannot part, that is as strong as death - for a season.  I rejoice in that season.  I miss that season. To face the loss of that season is now the path that God has appointed for me, knowing that He is leading me now in this new season, as hard as it can be to see that at times.

Hydrangeas

Dear friends,

Today, one of the Hydrangeas bloomed - or at least today I noticed it, after a weekend on the couch with a nasty cold/flu thing.  We have had a large hydrangea bush in our yard that has never blossomed, ever.  So I dug it out this spring - I was done with it!  When I got bushes to go with the memorial bench I got Hydrangeas and I saw that they were just budding - and hoped that we would get flowers this year.  And we did - a little sign of the Lord's kindness.

Hydrangeas were the flower we picked for our wedding - because they could be pink, or blue, or white (it started when she asked me, what flowers are blue!?).  They are notoriously difficult to care for - they die in your vase before any other flower in your arrangement - but they are glorious balls of beauty on the plant.  And they were beautiful in Brandi's hands the day we were married.  They were always her favorite...

This past week has been a rough one - not because of anything per se hard, but more because it was just a full week, with a few extra things thrown in here and there, which left me tired at the end of the week - then this flu/cold thing hit, then Eli got a bout of stomach on Sunday afternoon...and this wonderful three day weekend of rest, play and family togetherness was more of one of survival.  Today was better, but now it is back to the daily schedule.

You can pray for the kids - they went to be tonight on the refrain, "Daddy, you didn't play with me at all today!"  Chalk some of that up to the little one drama factor, but it reflects a bit of their heart - I think they may be feeling the change of seasons and missing Brandi, as she has been a lot on their mind this past week and in our conversation.

I was reminded by a friend tonight of my own need to keep making space for grief.  I'm wanting to play my part at church, some of the support from church I had I stopped, and the kids lives are asking for more (the end of year stuff is a lot - field trips that need parents, extra meetings, etc.).  It can be easy for me to fall into thinking that it is time to get over it and move on - and those around me are moving on some too, which is of course normal and natural, but it is easy for that to obscure the reality, and to allow the busy-ness to fill the screen. 

So it is a lot...and I have not had quiet evenings, and have been often too tired to engage when I have.   I wish I could just be responsive...but I have realized I need to keep pursuing grief, because I so easily fall into hiding in busy-ness or distraction.  So you can pray, friends, for that.  Pray for the Lord to meet me in it all - for His presence to be real, his Love to be sweet, His strength to me mine.  I want it, but it feels far off, often.  I think I fear falling apart to get there - to truly be broken in grief, in an incapacitating way - but wonder if that is keeping me from it.

Thanks for your notes as well.  It is always good to hear from you - as another friend wrote, grief is so often isolating and lonely - it is good to have others to journey with me.

Matt

I realized as I looked how long it has been since I have posted.  The past weeks have been full - full or a bit more return to life, ministry, and continuing to rebuild life together as a family.  We have celebrated Easter, traveled to see family, and settled in a bit more rhythm as well. 

With the coming of spring has come a thaw in more than the snow in our back yard disappearing.  There has been a thawing of my heart - a good sign, but it has been hard.  With the change of seasons, as well, comes a new series of "firsts".  I had been warned that firsts could be hard - some of them were not so much early on, but they have gotten harder.  For example:

Today is graduation day at Yale.  All the students must leave by tomorrow noon.  Brandi would have rounded up a friend or two and headed out with a van empty of all but essential seating, with the hopes of scoring some truly amazing stuff that departing graduates leave behind.  It was a joy for her, finding good things to bless our family, our dress up-chest, or our friends.  I would stay home and put the kids to bed.  So I did that tonight...but no one went out, and there will be no more discussion about whether or not items made of cloth can be adequately fumigated/cleaned to be used in our house! 

That is, of course, a trivial example.  In the past two weeks, we walked through Mother's day, our 8th wedding anniversary, and the 14th of May, which is the 4-month mark of her going to be with the Lord.  Because of the seasons in CT, this past Saturday we also planted our garden (with the help of amazing friends who came and made it both possible and a fun day), which would have also been a special event with Brandi and the kids.  Every day, the gaping hole seems larger, not smaller, and the sadness that weighs on my heart feels a bit heavier.  I had predicted that it would get harder, and I think is already has...and likely will. 

In all of it, I feel that I am struggling to do what I said I wanted to do in the last post.  I want to face the pain, in hopes of finding God and his companionship and comfort in it...but I struggle to.  I'm so tired at the end of the day, it is hard to find energy and determination to do it.  The lack of blogging reflects a lack of engagement, I fear.  I have been so thankful for friends who have engaged with me - it has been so helpful for them to share their memories of Brandi, and about their own process of missing her and grieving.  But I still struggle - so you can pray for that.  This post is a first step

The kids are doing well.  In just the past few days, Katie in particular has talked a lot more about Brandi, in the context of pointing out what we are missing without her.  I am glad for that...it is good to hear them think of her and talk about her.

OK, I am tired for tonight, so I will leave it here...but please do pray for me if you read this.

In Him,

Matt

What I shared at our church this morning...

Dear friends,

I shared at my church this morning, and thought I would post this to share with you as well.  All the information referred to at the end of the time is on this blog, particularly the last post, if you are looking for that.  Thanks for praying.

Matt

If you are visiting today – I am Matt Coburn, one of the pastors here.  My wife Brandi went home to be with the Lord in mid-January after battling cancer for 3 ½ years.  After some time off, I am returning to work at the church, and want to give you an update on our family and share a few words.

How are you doing?  It is the most natural question – the answer is, we are doing OK.  Every day there are reminders of Brandi, holes in our lives where she once was but is no longer there.  But we are making it through each day.  The kids have returned to school, providing some structure and daily routine for them.  They talk about mommy regularly, but don’t cry or talk about missing her, but rather just have oversized emotional reactions to other things of life.  Some of you have asked about talking about her with them – I think it is OK when done naturally, as long as you don’t expect or pressure them to share – particularly Katie does not respond well right now to that.  But it is OK to mention her when it would be natural for you to do so.

As for me – I am not always even sure how to answer the question.  The days have been fairly full of life responsibilities, the evenings have been harder – tired, restless, feeling the emptiness a lot.  I’m still pretty numb, though just recently there has been some more thawing in my heart.  Much of life still feels flat, colorless, in the midst of our grief – I miss her every day.

God – he is the same God, and this had not changed – his faithfulness, his goodness, his mercy, his salvation, his sovereignty, his love, all are the same.  I have been reading slowly through Psalm 40 and been encouraged by it, but am struggling with it as well.  I affirm all that he says – God is our salvation and in this hope we have great comfort, for Brandi is now free from pain, sorrow, sadness, cancer, and is filled with joy that is expressible as she is with her Lord.  In God’s sovereign goodness we are still here, and he is still the same glorious savior and loving father.  He is the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our afflictions, as Paul in 2^nd Corinthians 1 says.

But my heart does not exult in those things yet.  I am afraid of facing the pain of loss head on, and find myself running from it.  I want to protect my heart from pain - but I know that facing the pain is a necessary part of knowing God’s comfort.  It is the way to have a heart that is alive.   Without facing the pain of losing Brandi, I cannot know the real comfort of God in that with me – and that comfort is something I long for.  But the pain seems overwhelming at times, and I want to try to avoid it – so you can pray for me about that.

This leads me to something that has been on my heart in the past week. I have found it is in the company of friends, when talking about lots of things, where Brandi comes up naturally in conversation, and particularly when we talk together about who she was in our lives, how we saw God in her, and even explicitly processing the end of her life here on earth – it is in those times when I am able face the pain and my heart connects, and I feel it.  It is in those times when I begin to feel God’s comfort as well.  Brandi’s death, while not unexpected, came on very fast.  Christmas eve, she was here, in some pain but we were still looking ahead in hope and faith to more time together.  Three weeks later, she died.  For me, that was very quick.  For many of you, it was out of the blue – and there was no time to share together, to be together, to share and cry and express love to one another.  Death stole that from us, and in God’s mercy I think to her it was a blessing to her – but a loss for us.  And it has been hard to know what to do with that.  It has been in talking with others that I have been helped.  I wonder if I am not the only one who works like that.

So this is my thought – and my invitation.  I know that the elders have been shepherding you all through this, but I want in on that.  I want to invite you to enter into a process of grieving together – remembering, mourning what has been lost, facing regret, disappointment, sadness that overwhelms.  I want to let you know that I want you to come and share with me about these things.  My guess is that we tend to grieve in private rather than in community, but I think we need to do it in community as well – with me, with one another

I also recognize that my loss is not the only one, that some of you have losses that have overwhelmed you – some very raw and present, some in the past.  Maybe those have been kept in private, and maybe God has brought us in this season as a church to share those things together.  For when we face the pain of the things we grieve in this life – then the comfort of God, both in this life as well as our future hope may be ours as well.  Only a community of brokenness, who share from these vulnerable places, can also know the depths of the hope of the gospel of God.  And I invite you today to do this.

Some have asked – what can we do?  Well, my hope is that my words above may be the best thing – love those around you, connect and share with others, and point one another to the hope of life in Jesus.  But beyond that, let me say that I have felt so overwhelmingly supplied by the Lord, through family, the church, that our needs are not dire nor daily.  So what can you do?

First, love one another – take your desire to help my family, and find others who do have daily and present needs, and dive in.  If you don’t know how, talk with the deacons and elders about opportunities to do so.  There will likely be ways to help my family as well – meals, rides, some help with our home – you can keep in touch with the office about that – but in the meantime look for those around you and love them well.

Second – pray – keep praying for me and the kids.  This is a long process, not a bump in the road to get past but something that requires rebuilding almost every aspect of life.  Pray for the Lord to be at work in us as we do that.  I have set up a new blog to share on an ongoing basis, you can see the information in the bulletin about that.

Third, if you would like to contribute we are putting together a book of remembrance for Eli and Katie, so that they may have a bunch of snapshots of who Brandi was for their reading as they grow older and can treasure that more.  There is information about this as well, but you can send to my trinity email anything you would want to share. 

Thank you – your prayers, your notes, your support in so many ways, I have felt loved and cared for so much by you, our church.  My hope and prayer is that we will continue to walk through this together, and as we do so, we will be able to see God’s gracious hand at work in our lives, in our church, and through our church in this world for His glory and for our good.

Project for Kids - reposted here from Caringbridge

Hi Friends,

I realized recently that I have not posted this here...and wanted to.  So here it goes (Please note that we have a working deadline of April 1 for submissions):

Dear Friends,

 I had been thinking of this as I sat in the hospital and received so many moving and deeply encouraging testimonies about the way that the Lord worked in and through Brandi in your lives.  I want my children to know her in those ways, too.  So I had been thinking about it, and then caught wind that among some of Brandi's friends/disciples at Brown University there was a movement afoot for a similar project - so we are going to join forces for this, spearheaded by Jennifer Sparling (who is known by many as Georgia)  I have attached a letter from her below, but the gist of it is:  We want to put together a print book for Eli and Katie bearing witness to what kind of woman their mommy was, how others saw Jesus in her, and how God used her in their lives - the things they remember about her, loved about her, enjoyed with her.  Will you consider contributing?  If you sent us something during December and early January (Brandi and I shared the gmail account, so it has all gone across my desk, so to speak) would you consider resending it?  Thanks friends.

Matt

Here is the letter:

Hello all,

One of the things that most saddens me about Brandi's passing is that her kids, Eli and Katie, won't get to grow up knowing their amazing Christ-centered mother. There are so many stories, memories and tidbits that we know from our time with Brandi that might help fill out their idea of her one day when they're old enough to understand more. Matt, of course, will talk about her often, but there are a lot of things that could only come from us so...

I am reminded of The Four Loves where C.S. Lewis says, in the passing of a friend, that we all lose something that that person uniquely brought out in us and vice versa - those are blessings. Wouldn't it be so cool to share our experiences of Brandi's life with her kids, to share with them aspects of her character that we experienced in our friendships with her that so blessed us and memories that would help them better understand her?

So, I'm proposing to put together a compilation of just that for the kids, a book for each of them (same book, two copies), where we can share memories they might not otherwise hear. I'm sure as we have thought and prayed for the Coburns, many memories have surfaced in the past several weeks. - the first time you met Brandi, a time you laughed with her, an experience abroad, a time she challenged you, prayed with you, things she loved doing, something descriptive - the way she laughed or was always trying out new recipes for American food while in East Asia, any memory big or small that stands out to you.

Feel free to be creative (as long as it's not too complicated to layout.) - a letter, a story, a poem, a prayer (Word documents are preferable or clear scans)

This would be something Matt could give the kids when they're older and he feels they're ready, but best to make it now and do it up right. So please send your memories (put in a title too for good measure), along with a sentence or two for context so the kids know who you are, and send photo(s) to go with it (highest resolution you can.)  I pray this would be a testament the Lord would use to encourage Eli and Katie.

Once I get it all together and ready to print, I will probably beseech some of you for help with printing costs as I want this to be a beautiful, thoughtful gift and keepsake.

Please forward this to other friends of Brandi's.   And no pressure to submit anything.

[Deadline] April 1

[Email]   jennifer.sparling@gmail.com
[Upload to google docs]
https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0Bx7_ePrJVIVFRjQ5YkRZbVdnQVE&usp=drive_web

Hugs to all,

[Jennifer] Georgia

Hi Friends,

We got another 6' of snow last night, which was pretty but makes for a busy morning - especially today!  Katie started going to preschool this morning - a local place where a number of friends have taken their kids had an opening for their morning preschool, and it works really well with my schedule (overlaps with Eli's well), and she responded well to our visit last week.  This morning, she was sitting with a boy she knows from school (Hi Nathan!) engrossed in playdough when I left...she barely noticed!  So you can pray that she will continue to respond well, but this seems like a provision for the rest of the school year.  It will help with the regularity of my schedule (if we stop getting all these monday morning snowstorms!) as well.

We are doing well overall.  I had a thought - dare I call it a vision? maybe more just an image that came to mind - of me sitting trying to grasp a pile of sand as it ran through my hands.  I think it is how I am feeling about our life as a family - as the numbness wears off, I am finding myself grasping for the goodness of our life together, not wanting to lose it nor face the loss of it - but it is impossible to do that, and it leaves me feeling empty, holding the empty shell of a life that will no longer be.  I don't want to face the pain that is there...

I was reading Psalm 40 this morning, and read v. 5 - "You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us:  none can compare with you!"  I find myself assenting with my head, and reminding myself of the truth of that - and remembering that his wondrous deeds for us in Christ are beyond compare, and even the many, many blessings of our daily life are overwhelming.  Yet is not easy for my affections to respond with a hearty YES to that.  It is like I see it from afar and do not doubt it, but neither do I draw near, embrace it, and exult in it.  Pray for the Lord to draw near to my heart, to give me the courage to face the pain of this loss, and walk with me through what I anticipate to be a harder process ahead of feeling the pain of loss and grief so that I also will know the comfort of His love and presence with me, the joy that is in Him alone, and the companionship of his grieving with me, producing in me the hope that my heart will again one day exult in God who has done wondrous deeds.

Thanks friends.

Matt