Anniversary #2

 This picture comes from May 12 2014 - our seventh anniversary celebration, we spent a special day together, an anniversary we didn't know if we would celebrate.  Last Thursday I spent my second anniversary after her death visiting as a day of reflection, of rest, of mourning, of celebrating, of remembering. 

It was a special day in many ways.  A friend had given me a book, "Colors of Goodbye" a memoir of a mother who lost a daughter, and how she and her family experienced the loss.  It touched me/reached me in a way that, clearly, I needed a lot - I wept through, probably, 1/3 of the book as I read her story.  It was, as they say, a "good cry", a chance for me to feel, and express, how much I miss Brandi.  I was reminded that, though many mourn her, how lonely the mourning process can be.  One thought that I have had many times in the past few months is that, though Eli and Katie and I are doing just fine, I just don't want to do this life alone, without her.  Life at home is going fine, ministry at church, it is all going basically well - but I hate doing it without my partner, my companion, my other half.  I miss her every day.  I know she isn't coming back.  I know that life will go on.  But I'm struggling right now to like it, to become accustomed to it.

The author of the book also shared her struggle with a question, "How can life ever be good after she is gone?"  I think this is something I feel often - it is just so difficult to see how life going forward will be sweet, rich, full when daily I miss the endless ways that our life was enriched by Brandi's love and contribution.  Even in her illness, she made the moments special.  Now, even the times that are special are tinged with the sadness of her not being here to join in.  We hosted some visiting missionaries at our home this weekend - it was great to have them here, I loved being able to use our home to bless this family - but it was something Brandi would have loved, and I missed her a thousand times during the weekend.   Just the most recent example of it. The author, more than 5 years out from her loss, shared that she found that as she leaned into the pain of her loss, as she pursued grieving well, there were breakthrough moments that eventually saw her emerge from the sense that life cannot be good again.  It gave me hope that it may be true for me one day as well.

That is a brief update on me.  The kids are doing great - a highlight of the spring was their school show, where I knew that Katie was going to sing a solo and we had practiced a lot, but then on top of that Eli surprised me by singing a solo of his own - I was so proud of the boy who would not even stand up and sing at a parents meeting a year and a half ago, had a major solo.  I'm trying to upload the movies to my google drive so you can see it...I've been foiled by the technology so far, but this is my new attempt - I've not yet made it work, so I'll post a link in the future if I can get it to work.  Here is a photo - the costumes were derived from imagining what was worn by the ancestors who immigrated to the US. 

I love them and are so proud of them.  We are looking forward to the summer coming up, with some time off for the kids from school and me from work as well.  Thanks for your prayers and care.