Birthday reflections again

Today is Brandi's birthday - she would have been 42 today.  I'm not sure if it means anything to her now - in eternity, do you remember things like how long you have lived, or when you were born?  Does it cross your mind that you had a beginning, when you will live forever in the bliss of being with your beloved Savior?  I don't know the answers to that - I know that today, for those of us left in time, that it matters.  I'm with her family today - many of us took time to go visit her grave site.  I'm not sure I've ever posted pictures of it - but here is what you would see:

The flowers you see were given by Brandi's beloved friend Sarah - thanks Sarah! - who grew up with her, and who cut her teeth in her flower business by doing them for our wedding, which was a huge blessing for us and she did, and continues to do a wonderful job.  The planting in front and the care of the site has been under the care of her mother, and she has made it a beautiful place to be.  It is in Brandi's hometown of Newville, PA, if you are interested, right off 641.

On the back, if you can't see it clearly, are words taking from Psalm 16, verses 5, 6, 11:

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. 

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

I've been thinking quite a bit about these ideas recently as I've been reflecting some on my life.  In many ways, life is manageable - barely at times, and I have found myself both very weary in just keeping up, even with a month leave from work, and also at times wondering if I can really bear the burdens of the church and my family well - in that we are not completely falling apart, and life is working.  But I feel like a shell of myself, and the idea that my soul can find the kind of satisfaction, and joy, in the life that the Lord has given me at this point is something I struggle to believe.  I believe that Brandi has found the path of life, that she is full of joy, and that she is pleased and satisfied forever more.  I am confident of that hope for me as well, in eternity.  But what about now?  Life seems pretty barren, and I feel like more of a shell, even as life "normalizes" and in some ways the pain of the loss is integrated more into the every day reality of life.  I am more used to that reality - but I don't know who I am or what any life beyond surviving and managing could really look like.  

The thought process I have is something like this.  Everything I do right now feels accompanied by a huge vacuum in my life - there is an emptiness that comes with the loss that I carry around, and is a part of both the greatest joys and deepest sorrows and griefs.  I miss my partner, my friend, my co-parent and my co-laborer in the Kingdom of God.  I feel like I CAN make life work - but at times I just don't want to keep going like this.

Honestly, for the first time it makes me ponder the question of whether trying to continue to do this alone is actually God's plan.  I've wondered if perhaps doing this life without a partner is not something I'm able to do. But then I wonder if I have given God the chance to be the one who is able to satisfy my soul, and for me to not only survive but thrive, flourish, in this new season of single parenting.  Do I have more to grieve and work through with God?  Do I have more to learn about community at a whole other level, and I've been trying to do it all myself?  Am I seeking to dig a cistern to quench my thirst when there is a spring of water welling up to eternal life (see Jeremiah 2)?  

So those are things for your prayers.  You can pray as well for the kids - they are doing well in many ways, but this summer has been hard for Katie and I'm still not sure why exactly, though at least to my eyes a little girl growing up without her mom is struggling to make sense of it all, and I have seen my own inadequacies in being all that she might need.  Pray for the next few weeks as we adjust to my returning to work at the church and the kids have a few more weeks before school begins.

Thanks, friends, for your prayers and well wishes.  I'm sorry I've not blogged more - The past few months have been overwhelming in many ways, and it has taken me this long to have something more to say than, "I'm tired, we're hanging in there, pray for us".

 Matt