the ring...

BJK MMC 05-12-07 Song of Songs 8:6-7

So reads the inscription on the inside of my wedding ring.  (Well, my replacement ring - I lost the original in Lake Erie).  I made the decision a few weeks ago to take it off.  You might be surprised  about how much discussion it generates on widower blog sites.  On one side: to keep your ring on is to demonstrate faithfulness to your beloved lost one.  On the other side a resort to "when you are ready" which usually means, ready to get out there and try to date again. Honestly, none of these were particularly compelling, or even relevant at this point in my life.  My honoring her is not bound in this ring, nor can I even conceive of being "ready" to date again for years. 

But I was thinking about wearing the ring as I came up on our wedding anniversary earlier in May.  I remembered the vows we made:

I Matt take you Brandi to be my lawfully wedded wife
to have and to hold from this day forward
for better and worse
for richer and poorer
in sickness and in health
to love and to cherish
forsaking all others
till death do us part
this is my solemn pledge to you

And I realized that I am no longer married.  That vow has been completed - by God's grace, imperfectly but faithfully, fulfilled, till death do us part.  As much as I miss her - and I do, more each day - and as much as I wish I could somehow bring her back so that I would still be kept by this vow - that is not my present reality.  Each day, several times a day, I notice that my ring in not where I am used to it being - and it reminds me of this new reality that I am in.  It reminds me that she is gone.  It stirs in me fond memories as well as sadness.  It helps me face the loss and come to grips with it.  She will always be precious to me - but death has parted us until I too cross into glory, and for now the road ahead is a solo journey.

So now it sits on my dresser, near her own rings in her own box (minus her band that we buried with her.  They sit together as a testimony of God's great gift of our marriage - of a love that even many waters cannot part, that is as strong as death - for a season.  I rejoice in that season.  I miss that season. To face the loss of that season is now the path that God has appointed for me, knowing that He is leading me now in this new season, as hard as it can be to see that at times.

Hydrangeas

Dear friends,

Today, one of the Hydrangeas bloomed - or at least today I noticed it, after a weekend on the couch with a nasty cold/flu thing.  We have had a large hydrangea bush in our yard that has never blossomed, ever.  So I dug it out this spring - I was done with it!  When I got bushes to go with the memorial bench I got Hydrangeas and I saw that they were just budding - and hoped that we would get flowers this year.  And we did - a little sign of the Lord's kindness.

Hydrangeas were the flower we picked for our wedding - because they could be pink, or blue, or white (it started when she asked me, what flowers are blue!?).  They are notoriously difficult to care for - they die in your vase before any other flower in your arrangement - but they are glorious balls of beauty on the plant.  And they were beautiful in Brandi's hands the day we were married.  They were always her favorite...

This past week has been a rough one - not because of anything per se hard, but more because it was just a full week, with a few extra things thrown in here and there, which left me tired at the end of the week - then this flu/cold thing hit, then Eli got a bout of stomach on Sunday afternoon...and this wonderful three day weekend of rest, play and family togetherness was more of one of survival.  Today was better, but now it is back to the daily schedule.

You can pray for the kids - they went to be tonight on the refrain, "Daddy, you didn't play with me at all today!"  Chalk some of that up to the little one drama factor, but it reflects a bit of their heart - I think they may be feeling the change of seasons and missing Brandi, as she has been a lot on their mind this past week and in our conversation.

I was reminded by a friend tonight of my own need to keep making space for grief.  I'm wanting to play my part at church, some of the support from church I had I stopped, and the kids lives are asking for more (the end of year stuff is a lot - field trips that need parents, extra meetings, etc.).  It can be easy for me to fall into thinking that it is time to get over it and move on - and those around me are moving on some too, which is of course normal and natural, but it is easy for that to obscure the reality, and to allow the busy-ness to fill the screen. 

So it is a lot...and I have not had quiet evenings, and have been often too tired to engage when I have.   I wish I could just be responsive...but I have realized I need to keep pursuing grief, because I so easily fall into hiding in busy-ness or distraction.  So you can pray, friends, for that.  Pray for the Lord to meet me in it all - for His presence to be real, his Love to be sweet, His strength to me mine.  I want it, but it feels far off, often.  I think I fear falling apart to get there - to truly be broken in grief, in an incapacitating way - but wonder if that is keeping me from it.

Thanks for your notes as well.  It is always good to hear from you - as another friend wrote, grief is so often isolating and lonely - it is good to have others to journey with me.

Matt

I realized as I looked how long it has been since I have posted.  The past weeks have been full - full or a bit more return to life, ministry, and continuing to rebuild life together as a family.  We have celebrated Easter, traveled to see family, and settled in a bit more rhythm as well. 

With the coming of spring has come a thaw in more than the snow in our back yard disappearing.  There has been a thawing of my heart - a good sign, but it has been hard.  With the change of seasons, as well, comes a new series of "firsts".  I had been warned that firsts could be hard - some of them were not so much early on, but they have gotten harder.  For example:

Today is graduation day at Yale.  All the students must leave by tomorrow noon.  Brandi would have rounded up a friend or two and headed out with a van empty of all but essential seating, with the hopes of scoring some truly amazing stuff that departing graduates leave behind.  It was a joy for her, finding good things to bless our family, our dress up-chest, or our friends.  I would stay home and put the kids to bed.  So I did that tonight...but no one went out, and there will be no more discussion about whether or not items made of cloth can be adequately fumigated/cleaned to be used in our house! 

That is, of course, a trivial example.  In the past two weeks, we walked through Mother's day, our 8th wedding anniversary, and the 14th of May, which is the 4-month mark of her going to be with the Lord.  Because of the seasons in CT, this past Saturday we also planted our garden (with the help of amazing friends who came and made it both possible and a fun day), which would have also been a special event with Brandi and the kids.  Every day, the gaping hole seems larger, not smaller, and the sadness that weighs on my heart feels a bit heavier.  I had predicted that it would get harder, and I think is already has...and likely will. 

In all of it, I feel that I am struggling to do what I said I wanted to do in the last post.  I want to face the pain, in hopes of finding God and his companionship and comfort in it...but I struggle to.  I'm so tired at the end of the day, it is hard to find energy and determination to do it.  The lack of blogging reflects a lack of engagement, I fear.  I have been so thankful for friends who have engaged with me - it has been so helpful for them to share their memories of Brandi, and about their own process of missing her and grieving.  But I still struggle - so you can pray for that.  This post is a first step

The kids are doing well.  In just the past few days, Katie in particular has talked a lot more about Brandi, in the context of pointing out what we are missing without her.  I am glad for that...it is good to hear them think of her and talk about her.

OK, I am tired for tonight, so I will leave it here...but please do pray for me if you read this.

In Him,

Matt