Birthday thoughts

Dear friends,

Sunday was my birthday. Last year, I attacked it with a plan to take some friends out to dinner, to "own" my own brithday celebration.  It was a good time with them.  This year, I wanted to forget about it - or at least I pretended to, and tried to ignore it as much as possible.  I wasn't able to - my church family was on top of it and I had three different recognitions of my birthday, including a small party held for dear friends, and a small group who surprised me with dinner and a cake (shared with another woman in the group!).  I am thankful for a church that loves me well like this.

But I also realized that this is a new normal for me - every year, this will come around.  And as wonderful as what my friends did, there was no way to fill the void in the room, to ignore the gaping hole that I felt in each celebration.  And there will not be birthday cards on the mirror in the bathroom, or sweet cards carefully written with her love by my kids, or breakfast in bed, or many of those things.  I wouldn't want others to try to do it - that might just seem weird! - but they are still a loss, nonetheless. 

I have also been reminded of her this week because I often scan news articles for things about cancer, and ran across a story of a fairly high profile musician who was in her last days of battling cancer.  I find it helpful because it validates the reality of my life in some ways, that I am not alone in what we have walked through, and it can help me to feel the feelings of mourning and grief that I don't do well at on my own.  But because she and her husband made music together, this was really profound.  The blog of her story can be found at http://thislifeilive.com/ but the song I've been listening to this week is this:  http://thislifeilive.com/when-im-gone/  She went to be with the Lord on Friday. 

I just thought I share a little bit of what I'm thinking of.  I also got to preach on singleness from I Cor. 7:32-40...the Lord seems to have given me a unique perspective on such issues, being single until 38 and again single at 46.  May it be profitable for our church.

OK I need to sleep, but wanted to get some thoughts out there.  Thanks for your support and encouragement.

Matt

Follow Through with Brandi's Journal entry

Dear friends,

I have not been here in a while...some of that is good, in that the time we had that I talked about in January was a sweet, sad, wonderful gathering.  It was what I had hoped for...and I think it helped me turn another corner in this - there is not just one, but many corners to turn, but I realized a few days later that I have been ready to take some new steps of establishing and figuring out life together without Brandi.

I did want to follow up and post what I had promised but didn't.  This is something I found in Brandi's journals that she wrote just weeks before she died:

December 12, 2014

I didn’t even read any of the John and Betty Stam biography today, but I did get to reflect on it some.  I am thankful for how it is helping me think properly about life and death.  I know that my life is not my own, it has been bought with a price and I have willingly given it to my Lord.  I think I struggle because cancer feels different than laying it down as a martyr (though, I am I really as brave as I hope I would be?).  It feels like it is being taken for no good reason.  And yet I know that God is sovereign. Nothing happens, no life is taken by murderers or sickness, that is outside of Your control or Your ability to stop or change it.  You are writing the story (STORY) that you are writing and it is bigger than my little piece.  And yet you love my little piece, too.  You love me.  And Lord, again, I bow before you and say that you are worthy – your ways, your thoughts, higher than mine.  Help me to trust.  I’ve also been thinking about a “normal” life.  And thinking that I’m not sure “normal” is what this life is meant for.  There are wonderful ordinary moments.  But I think “normal” for here is meant to be poured out, sacrificial, laid down.  The normal I crave here and so often strive after is maybe the normal that comes later – when all the wrongs are made right and the tears are wiped away to be no more and we finally rest together.  “He is no fool who give sup what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”  I have so many doubts and fears – but what I know and believe:  you are good, you are worthy.  And that you have the words of eternal life.  Where else would I go?

Words that brought tears but smiles of remembrance, of her faith, her transparency, her humility, her clinging to Christ.  I miss her.

Matt

Gathering of Rememberance

Hi Friends,

Tomorrow at 4 PM we are having a gathering at church - I am fighting for it to not be called a service, because my hope is that it will be more about connecting with others in community than a formal service.  I wrote a brief welcome for the gathering, which I thought I'd include below.

"Though it [loss] is a solitary experience we must face alone, loss is also a common experience that can lead us to community.  It can create a community of brokenness.  We must enter the darkness of loss alone, but once there we will find other with whom we can share life together." Jerry Sittser

Dear friends,

First of all, thank you for all of your love for us - some of you have known us for many years, some for the past few, but your presence here is a reminder of all the dear friends and family that the Lord has surrounded us with as we have walked this road - not a road we ever would have chosen, and one which has been for sure dark at times (and still is, at times), but a road that in that darkness the Lord has used you to love us, and that is a huge encouragement.
 

Thank you for joining us - in Brandi's absence, our gathering to remember her and to share both grief and loss and memories is the very thing that she would have loved and longed for.  My hope and prayer for our time today is that we would be able to share together as a community of brokenness - broken because we have, together, lost one whom we loved so much.  I hope you will feel the freedom to share not only memories of Brandi, but also of your experience of losing her, whether sadness, regret, anger, confusion, or joy, gladness to know her and remember how she was a blessing to you, ways that her life changed yours.

In sharing together these things, may the Lord build us into a community of love that Brandi so longed for in her own life and for our church.  In an ideal world, we would be gathering in a living
room, with tea and hot chocolate on the sideboard, comfy cushions to sit on, and a fire in the fireplace...that is the kind of gathering Brandi loved.   We may not have the setting, but we can bring the heart.  Thank you for being here.

with love

Matt

I also found, in the back of Brandi's last journal, a list of songs and books that were important or encouraging for Brandi in the last few years.  If you are interested, here are the lists:

Shattered Dreams - Larry Crabb
To the Golden Shore - Courtney Anderson
Rose from Brier - Amy Carmichal
Free Grace and Dying Love - Susanna Spurgeon
When Life and Beliefs Collide - Carolyn Custis James
Comfort from the Cross - Elyse Fitzpatrick
The Pursuit of Holiness - Jerry Bridges
When I Don’t Desire God - John Piper
My Heart in His Hands - Sharon James
The Shadow of the Almighty - Elisabeth Elliot

One other book that she loved and I have read and given to others on her behalf:
Stepping Heavenward - Elizabeth Prentiss

Songs:

Blessings – Laura Story
By Faith – Keith and Kristyn Getty
I Will Praise Him Still – Fernando Ortega
These are Written – The Lockwoods
Speak O Lord – Getty’s
I Will Rise – Chris Tomlin
10,000 Reasons – Matt Redman
Broken Hallelujah – The Afters
Before the Throne of God Above - (we like the Sovereign Grace rendition)
In Christ Alone - Stuart Townend
Come to Me – Bethel Music
Desert Song – Hillsong United
While I’m Waiting – John Waller
Oceans (When Feet May Fail) – Hillsong United
Blessed Assurance – (I like the Steven Curtis Chapman version on Deep Roots)
And Can it Be? – (We liked the Sovereign Grace rendition)
It is not Death to Die – Sovereign Grace
How Firm a Foundation – (We love the Fernando Ortega rendition)
My Anchor holds – Lifepoint Worship
Christ is Risen – Matt Maher
Immovable our Hope Remains – Sovereign Grace
He will hold me Fast – Matt Merker

I hope this is encouraging for you.  Tomorrow I will share a quote from Brandi's last journal days...

Love

Matt

Today was the one year anniversary of Brandi's death and going to be with the Lord.  A few thoughts from my day:

1. I spent some of the time this morning meditating on Psalm 103.  I was encouraged to consider this for me, and not run it through the grid of thinking about it for Brandi - which was such a pattern that I have struggled, I think, to escape in the past year.  Some key verses:

[103:1] Bless the LORD, O my soul,
        and all that is within me,
        bless his holy name!
    [2] Bless the LORD, O my soul,
        and forget not all his benefits,
    [3] who forgives all your iniquity,
        who heals all your diseases,
    [4] who redeems your life from the pit,
        who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
    [5] who satisfies you with good
        so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's....
    [11] For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
        so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
    [12] as far as the east is from the west,
        so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
    [13] As a father shows compassion to his children,
        so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.

Today, I sensed the Lord saying to me - "My steadfast love will rescue you from the pit of grief.  There is real loss, and it will never go away - but I am still your God, who loves you with a steadfast love that endures forever, and I am not done with you.  Brandi is with me, looking down upon you and wanting, waiting, longing for you to keep going in the race I set before you."  The Pit is not life forever, however much it has felt, and sometimes still feels, like it is all there is.  God is life, and he crowns his own with steadfast love and mercy, he renews us by satisfying us with good, he woos us and wins us with compassion.  I was reminded of this kind of God today...there are 10,000 reasons to bless him.

Bless the Lord O my soul, O my soul
Worship His Holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul
I’ll worship Your Holy name
The sun comes up, It’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing When the evening comes

You’re rich in love And You’re slow to anger
Your name is great And Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons For my heart to find

And on that day When my strength is failing
The end draws near And my time has come
Still my soul will Sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years And then forevermore

One of the fun things I found in the back of one of Brandi's journals was a list of songs that had been particularly encouraging and meaningful for her - I'll post the list soon, I just don't have it quite easily here - but this is one of the songs on the list, by Matt Redman.  "Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me" - I was struck by that I have been through quite a "whatever" so far, but that in the midst of it, our God has 10000 things to remind me of his faithful, steadfast love and his mercy...O that I might actually live in that truth every day.  Will you pray for me that I might fight the battle to see that clearly every morning?

2.  I went back to the Connecticut Hospice where Brandi died.  I had been there a couple of times - not to the room (they have patients in it, etc...)  but to the grounds - to read, meditate, pray.  It is beautifully situated on the rocky CT waterfront, and I have had good times there.  But today was a day to say goodbye to it...I didn't expect that, and maybe it isn't absolute, but I have felt that it is important for me to go there this past year - now, not so much.  She was only there for 3 days (and the staff were wonderful) and there has been a slow waning of the significance of the place itself.  Today felt like the end of that...I'd rather find a beach or a mountain or some place beautiful to reflect and contemplate, rather than there.  I spoke again the words I spoke to her during that time - of my love for her, of how much I miss her, how she changed my life and I am forever changed (even crippled?) by her loss, but that there is so much good that she brought into my life, whatever it looks like from here will be deeply affected by her.  It felt like closure that I did not expect, but that I am thankful for.

3.  Today the kids and I spent the non-school hours in some special celebration - breakfast at Lena's with french toast sticks, bowling after school and dinner (it was supposed to be Pepe's but they were renovating so we ended up at Sally's, which was good!).  We came home, played some games, read Little House (These Happy Golden Years), watched a video or two of Brandi and the kids, and then they went to sleep.  It was a good day - pray for them, this season is hard on them but they don't know how to talk about it, and it comes out in other ways.  Pray too, because they are both sick, Eli got staples in his head to sew up a gash in his head, and it has just been that kind of week.  Pray for me to have wisdom in parenting them.

4. The other night, I spent reading the whole of the CaringBridge blogs posts over the past 5 years.  It was sweet, sad, brought be to tears - which is unfortunately a rare occurrence for me, I wish tears came more easily to express what I feel much more than I show.  It affirmed to me the crazy ride we were taken on, showed me again Brandi's remarkable faith and love for God, for others, for me, for our family.  It also reminded me how short the time was in the end, how quickly things turned badly, and how disorienting that was.  I have regrets that we did not have more time to talk about a future without her - but maybe it is God's grace, for perhaps she would not have wanted that?  In any case, it is still a loss, and reminded me for many local friends how difficult it was when she just dropped off the map and never resurfaced - no chances to say goodbye, to express love in person.  I'm thankful for the record of it, though, as it was encouraging as well as sad for me to read.

5.  Finally, I realized that some of you may not have heard - we have planned a gathering on Monday to remember Brandi together as a community in New Haven.  My hope was that local people could come, not those far away even her best friends and closest family.  Here is a  flyer for it, just so you can know, even if you can't make it.  We will read memories if you want to send them to me I can keep them.  Thanks

I think this blog has gotten too long, but I will post more soon - I have a book list, song list, and a quote that we are making a flyer for the gathering that I want to get to you all.

Love to you all.  Thank you for all your prayers, notes and cards in the past week.  They have meant so much...thank you!

In Him

Matt

Thankful...thoughtful

I had a chance to share with our church family some thanksgiving, and given the holiday I thought I would post some thoughts for you all. We had a good Thanksgiving with my brother and sister-in law, and my mom, in Massachusetts.  We played lots of backyard football, had a tea party, climbed into the tree house, and got a lot of sleep.   It was good to be with family for the holiday - though Brandi's absence was very much a part of the weekend for me.    

This passage was sent to me by a friend a few weeks ago, and it has been really helpful for me as a reminder of God's faithfulness. 

Isa 46:
3 Listen to Me,” [says the Lord], “O house of Jacob,
And all the remnant of the house of Israel,
You who have been carried by Me from your birth
And have been carried [in My arms] from the womb,
4 Even to your old age I am He,
And even to your advanced old age I will carry you!
I have made you, and I will carry you;
Be assured I will carry you and I will save you.

9 Remember [carefully] the former things [which I did] from ages past;
For I am God, and there is no one else;
I am God, and there is no one like Me,
10 Declaring the end and the result from the beginning,
And from ancient times the things which have not [yet] been done,
Saying, ‘My purpose will be established,
And I will do all that pleases Me and fulfills My purpose,’

The Lord has carried us in so many ways in the past year, I am truly thankful for it.  In so many little ways, I have seen the Lord care for us, provide for us, and carry us day by day.  We have seen the Lord give us so many friends who have helped, served, and prayed.  I have been thankful for our church, and reflecting particularly on the two guys who I co-pastor with who have taken so much on in the past year in caring for our church while I have been either on leave or less than fully engaged - and even now, back in "full time", that they are carrying things that I am not able to.  The kids are doing, overall, really well - enjoying school, growing, and we have many happy moments together as a family of three.  I was praying with the kids tonight and gave thanks that mommy is home with Jesus, whole, healthy, happy - it is one of the greatest comforts to me, to know that she is not missing me as much as I miss her, that she is face to face with her savior, and captivated in his glory.  She is filled with joy...and that makes me glad. 

Having said that, the past few weeks have continued to be hard.  I miss Brandi every day.  It is an ache in my heart, no a cavity, a crater that just seems to be growing.  At times it feels like a darkness that envelops my soul, at other times a weight or burden on my back that feels unbearable.  This season - with the holidays

I have struggled with feeling like the life I live right now is like and old skin, a form of the life that I once had, and I can feel like I'm going through the motions of living my old life - but I don't know what else there might be to move onto.  In day to day, I still love being with the kids - they are growing in so many ways, and I love being close enough to begin to understand them and relate to them more deeply.  Whatever else seems unclear, to keep investing in them is clearly something I know to do.

As we go into the Advent season, for me I have completely mixed feelings.  I love this holiday - but I loved sharing it with her, and I don't have an idea how to do this new season.  I have such clear memories of this time last year - almost daily I can remember something about what we did.  They are happy memories in some ways, but also painful, particularly as they remind me how little we anticipated what would happen next.  It happened so quickly, in many ways...it is still part of the pain and the loss I feel.

So that is an update from us.  Thanks for your prayers.  May your advent be filled with a renewed sense of the wonder of the gift of Jesus to the world, our rescuer and redeemer.

Matt

Will you be my Aaron and Hur?

I was reminded recently of the story of when the Israelites went to battle against the Amalekites in Exodus 17 - the well known story where Joshua led the battle, while Moses watched and held his arms up in recognition of their dependence upon the Lord.  As they fought, they were victorious whenever Moses kept his arms up - but then he got tired!  And they sat him on a rock, and Aaron and Hur stood by him and held up his arms, helping Israel emerge victorious, and Moses as the leader knew his need for others to help him!

I want to ask for your prayers.  I'm not even sure exactly for what, though maybe you can figure it out from what I write below.  This past two weeks or so have been hard - full, overwhelming at times, but more than that I have felt like I hit a wall, and have been struggling a lot with motivation, with focus, with ability to think, to work hard, to get things done.  I feel "saturated", like when rain comes and soaks the ground to the point where it cannot absorb any more - my brain, my heart, my soul feel saturated, like there has been too much and I am now unable to respond to anything new.

One of the dynamics has been that I have missed Brandi terribly in the past few weeks.  Maybe from Eli's birthday onward, I have felt her loss daily, and it has been a heavy weight upon my heart.  I took the kids away last weekend for an over night to the Great Wolf Lodge in Massachusetts, an indoor waterpark/resort/hotel.  The kids had fun, it was a great memory to make - but i was exhausted by it.  The kids wanted me to do things with them - which I had anticipated - but it left little room for rest for me. The resort was also filled with families - moms and dads, with their kids, enjoying the resort, and I found that particularly difficult this time.  As the holidays approach - with Halloween the first (Brandi helped set some great patterns for our kids that I will be able to keep up, but still...) - so much more will i miss.  A year ago we were still in a fairly blissfully positive place where her treatment was going well, she was feeling generally well, and we could not have imagined what lay in store for us at this point a year ago.

Not only do I miss her - but I am finding myself fighting a battle in my own heart.  I can see, imagine, and even live out on a day to day basis some of what life looks like moving on, living life without her.  We do it, and there are moments (like tonight, after dinner in the kitchen having a wrestling/tickle match with the kids) where there is real joy.  But I don't want it.  I don't want life with out her.  I don't want to move on - I have realized that this is a part of where I am at, what I am struggling with.  And I know Who I need to talk with about it, but I have found that difficult to do.  You can pray for help with that. 

I do see God's grace in the daily things - we have had a beautiful fall here in CT, and my heart has been pierced by it (like Faramir and Frodo looking out of the Window to the West in The Two Towers).  Even in our garden - which has been neglected too much, and has suffered some, I hope not irreparable damage - has shown unusual life, like the fact that our rose bush, which seemed done for the year, produced this beauty in the past two weeks:

Small reminders of the Lord's daily grace that keeps me going - for these I am thankful, while the big picture seems much harder - Lord, what are you doing in this?  What do you have for me?  What good could there be that will help me process the loss of what seemed to be so exceedingly good in our life together? I feel like I am limping through life - maybe carrying a huge weight of loss and sorrow right now, that sometimes I let down for a moment but had felt very heavy lately.  Most life tasks feel difficult, like I'm walking with lead in my shoes or something.  I've been sleeping more but not being rested.  It all just seems hard right now..

Thank you friends for listening to my rambling.  I have not posted because I wanted to make sense of all of this - I finally realized I just needed to write.  Know that your prayers, and notes, mean so much to me.

Matt

Happy Birthday Eli

Happy Birthday Eli!

Today our little buddy turned 7!  We have had a good two days of celebrating  - yesterday with a party for friends at Lighthouse point, including games, a pinata, and an absolute gift of a gorgeous warm fall day by the Sound; today after school we celebrated with Pepe's pizza (the local gold standard by many accounts) and then came home for cake with some family friends and then presents.  It really was a fun two days, and our kids talk about Brandi but don't seem to miss her actively. 

As for me, and "Nana and Pappy" it was bittersweet - more sweet than bitter, but I missed her a lot in the last two days, remembering when we had a party for eli there two years ago when we knew the cancer had come back and were capturing moments as best we could.  It was a magical day two years ago - I'm not sure these two days were magical, but they were much better than I imagined it.  Eli has a few day's work of Lego's in front of him, with Katie all too willing to help out as she can! 

I'll write more soon, but I wanted to say hi and thanks for the messages we received concerning Eli's brithday.  It means so much to hear from you all as you get a chance to say hi.

in Him

Matt