Today was the one year anniversary of Brandi's death and going to be with the Lord.  A few thoughts from my day:

1. I spent some of the time this morning meditating on Psalm 103.  I was encouraged to consider this for me, and not run it through the grid of thinking about it for Brandi - which was such a pattern that I have struggled, I think, to escape in the past year.  Some key verses:

[103:1] Bless the LORD, O my soul,
        and all that is within me,
        bless his holy name!
    [2] Bless the LORD, O my soul,
        and forget not all his benefits,
    [3] who forgives all your iniquity,
        who heals all your diseases,
    [4] who redeems your life from the pit,
        who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
    [5] who satisfies you with good
        so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's....
    [11] For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
        so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
    [12] as far as the east is from the west,
        so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
    [13] As a father shows compassion to his children,
        so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.

Today, I sensed the Lord saying to me - "My steadfast love will rescue you from the pit of grief.  There is real loss, and it will never go away - but I am still your God, who loves you with a steadfast love that endures forever, and I am not done with you.  Brandi is with me, looking down upon you and wanting, waiting, longing for you to keep going in the race I set before you."  The Pit is not life forever, however much it has felt, and sometimes still feels, like it is all there is.  God is life, and he crowns his own with steadfast love and mercy, he renews us by satisfying us with good, he woos us and wins us with compassion.  I was reminded of this kind of God today...there are 10,000 reasons to bless him.

Bless the Lord O my soul, O my soul
Worship His Holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul
I’ll worship Your Holy name
The sun comes up, It’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing When the evening comes

You’re rich in love And You’re slow to anger
Your name is great And Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons For my heart to find

And on that day When my strength is failing
The end draws near And my time has come
Still my soul will Sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years And then forevermore

One of the fun things I found in the back of one of Brandi's journals was a list of songs that had been particularly encouraging and meaningful for her - I'll post the list soon, I just don't have it quite easily here - but this is one of the songs on the list, by Matt Redman.  "Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me" - I was struck by that I have been through quite a "whatever" so far, but that in the midst of it, our God has 10000 things to remind me of his faithful, steadfast love and his mercy...O that I might actually live in that truth every day.  Will you pray for me that I might fight the battle to see that clearly every morning?

2.  I went back to the Connecticut Hospice where Brandi died.  I had been there a couple of times - not to the room (they have patients in it, etc...)  but to the grounds - to read, meditate, pray.  It is beautifully situated on the rocky CT waterfront, and I have had good times there.  But today was a day to say goodbye to it...I didn't expect that, and maybe it isn't absolute, but I have felt that it is important for me to go there this past year - now, not so much.  She was only there for 3 days (and the staff were wonderful) and there has been a slow waning of the significance of the place itself.  Today felt like the end of that...I'd rather find a beach or a mountain or some place beautiful to reflect and contemplate, rather than there.  I spoke again the words I spoke to her during that time - of my love for her, of how much I miss her, how she changed my life and I am forever changed (even crippled?) by her loss, but that there is so much good that she brought into my life, whatever it looks like from here will be deeply affected by her.  It felt like closure that I did not expect, but that I am thankful for.

3.  Today the kids and I spent the non-school hours in some special celebration - breakfast at Lena's with french toast sticks, bowling after school and dinner (it was supposed to be Pepe's but they were renovating so we ended up at Sally's, which was good!).  We came home, played some games, read Little House (These Happy Golden Years), watched a video or two of Brandi and the kids, and then they went to sleep.  It was a good day - pray for them, this season is hard on them but they don't know how to talk about it, and it comes out in other ways.  Pray too, because they are both sick, Eli got staples in his head to sew up a gash in his head, and it has just been that kind of week.  Pray for me to have wisdom in parenting them.

4. The other night, I spent reading the whole of the CaringBridge blogs posts over the past 5 years.  It was sweet, sad, brought be to tears - which is unfortunately a rare occurrence for me, I wish tears came more easily to express what I feel much more than I show.  It affirmed to me the crazy ride we were taken on, showed me again Brandi's remarkable faith and love for God, for others, for me, for our family.  It also reminded me how short the time was in the end, how quickly things turned badly, and how disorienting that was.  I have regrets that we did not have more time to talk about a future without her - but maybe it is God's grace, for perhaps she would not have wanted that?  In any case, it is still a loss, and reminded me for many local friends how difficult it was when she just dropped off the map and never resurfaced - no chances to say goodbye, to express love in person.  I'm thankful for the record of it, though, as it was encouraging as well as sad for me to read.

5.  Finally, I realized that some of you may not have heard - we have planned a gathering on Monday to remember Brandi together as a community in New Haven.  My hope was that local people could come, not those far away even her best friends and closest family.  Here is a  flyer for it, just so you can know, even if you can't make it.  We will read memories if you want to send them to me I can keep them.  Thanks

I think this blog has gotten too long, but I will post more soon - I have a book list, song list, and a quote that we are making a flyer for the gathering that I want to get to you all.

Love to you all.  Thank you for all your prayers, notes and cards in the past week.  They have meant so much...thank you!

In Him

Matt

Thankful...thoughtful

I had a chance to share with our church family some thanksgiving, and given the holiday I thought I would post some thoughts for you all. We had a good Thanksgiving with my brother and sister-in law, and my mom, in Massachusetts.  We played lots of backyard football, had a tea party, climbed into the tree house, and got a lot of sleep.   It was good to be with family for the holiday - though Brandi's absence was very much a part of the weekend for me.    

This passage was sent to me by a friend a few weeks ago, and it has been really helpful for me as a reminder of God's faithfulness. 

Isa 46:
3 Listen to Me,” [says the Lord], “O house of Jacob,
And all the remnant of the house of Israel,
You who have been carried by Me from your birth
And have been carried [in My arms] from the womb,
4 Even to your old age I am He,
And even to your advanced old age I will carry you!
I have made you, and I will carry you;
Be assured I will carry you and I will save you.

9 Remember [carefully] the former things [which I did] from ages past;
For I am God, and there is no one else;
I am God, and there is no one like Me,
10 Declaring the end and the result from the beginning,
And from ancient times the things which have not [yet] been done,
Saying, ‘My purpose will be established,
And I will do all that pleases Me and fulfills My purpose,’

The Lord has carried us in so many ways in the past year, I am truly thankful for it.  In so many little ways, I have seen the Lord care for us, provide for us, and carry us day by day.  We have seen the Lord give us so many friends who have helped, served, and prayed.  I have been thankful for our church, and reflecting particularly on the two guys who I co-pastor with who have taken so much on in the past year in caring for our church while I have been either on leave or less than fully engaged - and even now, back in "full time", that they are carrying things that I am not able to.  The kids are doing, overall, really well - enjoying school, growing, and we have many happy moments together as a family of three.  I was praying with the kids tonight and gave thanks that mommy is home with Jesus, whole, healthy, happy - it is one of the greatest comforts to me, to know that she is not missing me as much as I miss her, that she is face to face with her savior, and captivated in his glory.  She is filled with joy...and that makes me glad. 

Having said that, the past few weeks have continued to be hard.  I miss Brandi every day.  It is an ache in my heart, no a cavity, a crater that just seems to be growing.  At times it feels like a darkness that envelops my soul, at other times a weight or burden on my back that feels unbearable.  This season - with the holidays

I have struggled with feeling like the life I live right now is like and old skin, a form of the life that I once had, and I can feel like I'm going through the motions of living my old life - but I don't know what else there might be to move onto.  In day to day, I still love being with the kids - they are growing in so many ways, and I love being close enough to begin to understand them and relate to them more deeply.  Whatever else seems unclear, to keep investing in them is clearly something I know to do.

As we go into the Advent season, for me I have completely mixed feelings.  I love this holiday - but I loved sharing it with her, and I don't have an idea how to do this new season.  I have such clear memories of this time last year - almost daily I can remember something about what we did.  They are happy memories in some ways, but also painful, particularly as they remind me how little we anticipated what would happen next.  It happened so quickly, in many ways...it is still part of the pain and the loss I feel.

So that is an update from us.  Thanks for your prayers.  May your advent be filled with a renewed sense of the wonder of the gift of Jesus to the world, our rescuer and redeemer.

Matt

Will you be my Aaron and Hur?

I was reminded recently of the story of when the Israelites went to battle against the Amalekites in Exodus 17 - the well known story where Joshua led the battle, while Moses watched and held his arms up in recognition of their dependence upon the Lord.  As they fought, they were victorious whenever Moses kept his arms up - but then he got tired!  And they sat him on a rock, and Aaron and Hur stood by him and held up his arms, helping Israel emerge victorious, and Moses as the leader knew his need for others to help him!

I want to ask for your prayers.  I'm not even sure exactly for what, though maybe you can figure it out from what I write below.  This past two weeks or so have been hard - full, overwhelming at times, but more than that I have felt like I hit a wall, and have been struggling a lot with motivation, with focus, with ability to think, to work hard, to get things done.  I feel "saturated", like when rain comes and soaks the ground to the point where it cannot absorb any more - my brain, my heart, my soul feel saturated, like there has been too much and I am now unable to respond to anything new.

One of the dynamics has been that I have missed Brandi terribly in the past few weeks.  Maybe from Eli's birthday onward, I have felt her loss daily, and it has been a heavy weight upon my heart.  I took the kids away last weekend for an over night to the Great Wolf Lodge in Massachusetts, an indoor waterpark/resort/hotel.  The kids had fun, it was a great memory to make - but i was exhausted by it.  The kids wanted me to do things with them - which I had anticipated - but it left little room for rest for me. The resort was also filled with families - moms and dads, with their kids, enjoying the resort, and I found that particularly difficult this time.  As the holidays approach - with Halloween the first (Brandi helped set some great patterns for our kids that I will be able to keep up, but still...) - so much more will i miss.  A year ago we were still in a fairly blissfully positive place where her treatment was going well, she was feeling generally well, and we could not have imagined what lay in store for us at this point a year ago.

Not only do I miss her - but I am finding myself fighting a battle in my own heart.  I can see, imagine, and even live out on a day to day basis some of what life looks like moving on, living life without her.  We do it, and there are moments (like tonight, after dinner in the kitchen having a wrestling/tickle match with the kids) where there is real joy.  But I don't want it.  I don't want life with out her.  I don't want to move on - I have realized that this is a part of where I am at, what I am struggling with.  And I know Who I need to talk with about it, but I have found that difficult to do.  You can pray for help with that. 

I do see God's grace in the daily things - we have had a beautiful fall here in CT, and my heart has been pierced by it (like Faramir and Frodo looking out of the Window to the West in The Two Towers).  Even in our garden - which has been neglected too much, and has suffered some, I hope not irreparable damage - has shown unusual life, like the fact that our rose bush, which seemed done for the year, produced this beauty in the past two weeks:

Small reminders of the Lord's daily grace that keeps me going - for these I am thankful, while the big picture seems much harder - Lord, what are you doing in this?  What do you have for me?  What good could there be that will help me process the loss of what seemed to be so exceedingly good in our life together? I feel like I am limping through life - maybe carrying a huge weight of loss and sorrow right now, that sometimes I let down for a moment but had felt very heavy lately.  Most life tasks feel difficult, like I'm walking with lead in my shoes or something.  I've been sleeping more but not being rested.  It all just seems hard right now..

Thank you friends for listening to my rambling.  I have not posted because I wanted to make sense of all of this - I finally realized I just needed to write.  Know that your prayers, and notes, mean so much to me.

Matt

Happy Birthday Eli

Happy Birthday Eli!

Today our little buddy turned 7!  We have had a good two days of celebrating  - yesterday with a party for friends at Lighthouse point, including games, a pinata, and an absolute gift of a gorgeous warm fall day by the Sound; today after school we celebrated with Pepe's pizza (the local gold standard by many accounts) and then came home for cake with some family friends and then presents.  It really was a fun two days, and our kids talk about Brandi but don't seem to miss her actively. 

As for me, and "Nana and Pappy" it was bittersweet - more sweet than bitter, but I missed her a lot in the last two days, remembering when we had a party for eli there two years ago when we knew the cancer had come back and were capturing moments as best we could.  It was a magical day two years ago - I'm not sure these two days were magical, but they were much better than I imagined it.  Eli has a few day's work of Lego's in front of him, with Katie all too willing to help out as she can! 

I'll write more soon, but I wanted to say hi and thanks for the messages we received concerning Eli's brithday.  It means so much to hear from you all as you get a chance to say hi.

in Him

Matt

Special moments

Dear Friends,

Its been a while...sorry about that.  Life has been full, and promises to continue to be so.  I was thinking that in the past few weeks there have been a few special moments that I have been reflecting on, ones that have been, as you might imagine, full of a whole lot of different emotions along the way.

1.  A special trip to NY.  Thanks to a number of holidays in September, my kids have been off school a bit, and we have been talking about taking a trip to New York City.  In December 2013 we had a very magical trip, staying in Times Square and seeing the Lion King on broadway, going for a carriage ride in central park in the snow, visiting the Christmas tree in Rockefeller center and FAO Schwartz before it closed (oh, and the Lego store in Rockefeller plaza).  It was a special trip for us at the time, and the kids have talked about it a lot.  So, I thought lets do it again!  As with last time, we were provided with a hotel room by family (thanks, Nana!) right near the NY public library, which allowed us to walk from Grand Central when we arrived, we walked through Bryant park to Times Square that evening to the M&M store, checked out Toys R Us, and then crashed back in our room.  In the morning, we got breakfast, played soccer in our hotel room, went to the library and read Elephant and Piggy and Magic Tree House, and then headed up to Rockefeller center - to the Lego store, really!  The food, and the view from the Top of the Rock, and the trip to the American Girl Doll store were all secondary to the lego store for Eli.  We had a fun trip - but I missed Brandi a lot, missed her ability to make these trips so special, and missed her joy in our family adventuring together.

2.  Friends special events.  In the past 24 hours, I have had close friends have a baby (welcome Owen!) and other friends announce that after a long, and at times difficult wait, they have been chosen by a birth mother for adoption in November.  Both of these events fill my heart with joy - and yet that joy is tinged, as it seems most of life is these days, with the sense of how much more special it would be to share that joy with Brandi, who loved babies and family and was so good at encouraging, valuing, championing, and celebrating moms and families. She is, I believe, rejoicing in heaven about these events - but I long for her at my side in these moments.

3. This is more about me, but I have also gotten back into the pulpit again - the first time since, apart from one outlier in June, December.  It has been, in fact, a joy to return to pastoring our church in this way.  I have been encouraged that I have been able to think, study, and prepare well - I wondered if I would be able to earlier this year.  I have been able to prepare even given my weekly schedule and commitment to the kids, which I was worried about (maybe, just maybe, it does work better to start earlier and be done by Friday afternoon!).  But I thought I would share that with you as an encouragement.

Finally, a prayer request.  I have felt a bit, well, stuck for the past month about what the next steps are in pursuing my grieving process.  I have been busy with the start of school and things at church - but have strongly sensed that I cannot allow pursuing this process to be sidelined.  I have finished the H. Norman Wright book, and have been avoiding actually working on the grief journal until I just started this week - but only once.  Please pray that I will stay at it, and that the Lord will meet me in it.

Thank you friends.  I include a picture or two from NYC at the bottom for your enjoyment.

Matt

What do I miss the most?

Dear Friends,

Sorry I have been so absent.  I would like to be more disciplined to keep you all updated - the kids have learned to swim this summer, they started school on Monday, and seem to be doing well.  I am back working at the church, which is both stretching but also good in many ways.  I was able to preach this past Sunday, and it was encouraging that the fog of the past eight months has lifted enough for some clarity of thought and communication.  It has been good to be busy - but I don't know if it has been healing as much as distraction, as I feel this undercurrent that surfaces once the kids go to bed and I am alone in the house with my thoughts, the yawning emptiness of life without Brandi.

I have been seeing a counselor some, and he asked me last time we met recently the question "What do you miss the most"?  I had not put it into words until then, but two things emerged:

1.  I miss her companionship.  I was single longer than most (38 years old), struggled with but had found some good rhythms of life as a single guy in ministry, but when finally Brandi came into my life as my wife, it was one of the greatest gifts.  She and I had talked often of how Psalm 16:6 it says "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."  Whatever translation I used back then, it referred to the "lines" as "boundary lines".  We talked about the way that meant, for both of us, prolonged singleness as a boundary line, one that we both struggled to receive as "pleasant" at times, but in the end came to see the many blessings of those years.  We also rejoiced that in marriage we now had new boundary lines that certainly felt very pleasant to us.  I miss her friendship.  I miss the day to day processing of ideas, relationships.  I miss the joy of doing life together, a phrase we used often.  We didn't want the parallel lives it can be so easy to live - we wanted life together with each other.  I miss her in decision making, from what new beds to buy the kids to what to have for dinner or who to spend our weekend with.  I miss walking around our neighborhood holding hands.  

2.  I miss the richness she brought to my life, and to our life as a family.  SO many times this summer, I realized that even when we follow the pattern of things we have done together in the past, it just isn't the same.  I can't plant a garden, plan a picnic, build a play fort, go on a road trip, have a movie night with the kids, without feeling how flat it feels without all the many, little ways that her love, her creativity, her special flair and touch made our lives so rich.  She was not flashy, not ostentatious, and in many ways simple in her creativity and care - but it was rich, deep, and it brought significance and sweetness to many things both big and small, both mundane and special - in fact, she might have been even better at making the mundane special than at pulling off the special!  So I miss her in so many ways.  How would she have added to Katie's first day of school?  What would she have done to make our trip to the aquarium more memorable?  What would she have done with the flowers in our garden which are dying in the drought and need to be deadheaded now?  How would she have decorated the kids room with their new lofted beds?  

Some have asked me if I miss her in particular circumstances - and it means a lot that they ask, and I so appreciate their care.  In my heart, though, what swells up in my heart is the reality that I miss her every day, many times every day.  It is this emptiness, this gaping hole rent in our life and in my soul, that wells up when the kids are in bed...

If you pray, pray for us in this way:

Pray for the kids, particularly Katie, as they adjust to school.  It has gone well, please pray for more days of this.

Pray for management of life - I often feel like I'm just surviving, which might be enough for now, but I long for it to be more than that, I just don't feel like I have the energy or ability to make it happen.

Pray for the Lord's grace for sweet and rich times together with the three of us.

Pray for my grieving process - I have been reading a book recently by H Norman Wright that has a whole series of questions to process, and I think I need to sit down and begin working through those questions, but I haven't yet.  Pray for me to be able to engage with that and for it to be helpful.

Thanks friends.  I leave you with a picture from this summer, the first day of school

Matt

Sweet and sad...

Dear Friends,

One year ago, we celebrated Brandi's 40th birthday.  Given the year we had had, she was thankful to have reached forty, and we celebrated with an understated but very happy family celebration.

Today, Eli and Katie and I watched the video of surprising her with muffin/cupcakes for breakfast that morning, and singing happy birthday to her.  We went out to a favorite breakfast place (Lena's in Westville), and then spent the day at home together.  It was a sweet day in many ways, but like most days a bittersweet one, in that each day seems to remind me in a new way of the depth of her loss.  A trip to Ikea (the first, I think, since her death), swimming in Tanta's pool, or a day at the aquarium were all things that we have done this summer - but like one of those odd internet videos, like a regular member of the scene is suddenly missing, reruns with a huge hole where they once were.  This month has been more painful, I think, than the previous ones, as I have felt the loss more than ever.

Which makes this day even more pronounced in sweet and sad.  The fact that there will never be another birthday for her is both sweet and sad - she is in eternity, and as such I don't think they count any more!  She is healed, and whole, and without pain and without sin and in the presence of the Lord in an eternal state that is beyond our understanding in its fullness.  Sad for us, who mark the day as a remember of the goodness of the gift of her life, and the sadness of our hearts now that she is gone. 

But this day has also been sweet for another reason - for I have been reminded of what a sweet community God has placed me in.  The number of texts, emails, and messages I have received today have reminded me that I am not alone in this loss - that many friends are with me in both the sweet memories and in the sadness of loss.  I have found that my greatest fear is that I will be alone in the pain - and in some ways that is true, for no one can know exactly what my particular shade of grief is like - and yet they expressed words of solidarity, of grieving not just for me but with me, of love for Brandi and love for our family.  I was asked yesterday what I have seen God up to - well, today, I am overwhelmed with the way He has prompted many to minister to me.  Thank you friends.  Thank you Jesus.

I know it has been a long time.  I'm emerging from a time of leave which I have tried to unburden myself as much as possible, but I hope I'll be back in touch more in the coming weeks.  Thank you all for your love and prayers for us.  I'll try to post picture soon, too.

Matt