Mary (the fish) died last Friday

So, last Friday morning we got up and as we went into the kitchen the kids went to check in on Mary, our blue (and male ?!?) Beta fish...and found her floating in her bowl.

Now, to understand why I am sharing this, I need to share Mary's story.  We first obtained Mary as a fulfillment, very late, to Katie to get her a birthday present as I remember it. But it was November - and if I remember it correctly, it was the day that we found out from the oncologist overseeing Brandi's trial treatment that the effect of the trial treatment had faltered, and that we needed to regroup and decide with our local oncologist what would be the next step in the treatment.  It came as some what of a surprise to me, though I think Brandi had sensed some things and was concerned, and it ended a season of almost 8 months when, after facing metastasized cancer the winter before, we had had a season of respite, of joy in living somewhat normal lives.  And all of that was thrown up in the air that day.  

2014 when we got Mary
Eli and Katie with drawings of Mary
her bowl (but not her yet) in background

When we got back from that trip (over an hour away), we picked up the kids, and as I remember it, Brandi suggested we just go out and do it - let's get the fish we had been talking about!  So we went to our local Petsmart, picked out this blue fish, some rocks and a fake plant, and came home.  We had been reading Little House on the Priarie with the kids, so the fish despite its gender was names Mary. And despite our very basic bowl, being ignored far more than is likely good for any fish, she lived these past two years, a living reminder of Brandi and her love and care for the kids and the way she brought life to our house (the houseplants still seem to be thriving, too, despite my almost complete neglect of them).  

I will admit - it hit me harder than I thought, as it did Eli as well (Katie tends to be very matter of fact about it, which is not always comforting to her brother).  It tapped into the sadness of death - and that pool is close to the surface in this season.  It was hard because she came from Brandi - and though we can get another fish, we cannot replace the one which we got when she was still alive.  We went to school late after we processed it some.  When we got home, I buried her in the yard under Brandi's bench, marked by a rock that the kids decorated.  They moved on...me not so quickly.  

There is a hopefulness, as I just posted, but competing with it is the ongoing loss of what had been.  The more change that happens - and it is good change, as we move on and make our lives not about the past but the present and the future - there is more mourning that comes with it.  The loss is never forgotten, just more woven into life.  It reminds me a bit of a passage in the Return of the King, when Gandalf is talking with Frodo after all the drama (well, almost, except the scouring of the shire) has happened - good has triumphed over evil, the new age has dawned, life is returning to middle earth and it seems that the future is bright - and yet:

“Are you in pain, Frodo?” said Gandalf quietly as he rode by Frodo’s side.

“Well, yes, I am,” said Frodo. “It is my shoulder.  The wound aches, and the memory of darkness is heavy on me.  It was a year ago today.”

“Alas? There are some wounds that cannot be wholly cured,” said Gandalf.

“I fear it may be so with mine,” said Frodo.  “there is no real going back.  Thought I may come to the shire, it will not seem the same; for I shall not be the same.  I am wounded with knife, sting and tooth, and a long burden.  Where shall I find rest?”

Gandalf did not answer.

The One who came to save us all from the ravages of sickness, sin, and death - He still carries the scars of our redemption in eternity, yet with Him there will be rest, forever.  But in this life...still a question for me.  Thanks for your prayers.