Birthday thoughts

Dear friends,

Sunday was my birthday. Last year, I attacked it with a plan to take some friends out to dinner, to "own" my own brithday celebration.  It was a good time with them.  This year, I wanted to forget about it - or at least I pretended to, and tried to ignore it as much as possible.  I wasn't able to - my church family was on top of it and I had three different recognitions of my birthday, including a small party held for dear friends, and a small group who surprised me with dinner and a cake (shared with another woman in the group!).  I am thankful for a church that loves me well like this.

But I also realized that this is a new normal for me - every year, this will come around.  And as wonderful as what my friends did, there was no way to fill the void in the room, to ignore the gaping hole that I felt in each celebration.  And there will not be birthday cards on the mirror in the bathroom, or sweet cards carefully written with her love by my kids, or breakfast in bed, or many of those things.  I wouldn't want others to try to do it - that might just seem weird! - but they are still a loss, nonetheless. 

I have also been reminded of her this week because I often scan news articles for things about cancer, and ran across a story of a fairly high profile musician who was in her last days of battling cancer.  I find it helpful because it validates the reality of my life in some ways, that I am not alone in what we have walked through, and it can help me to feel the feelings of mourning and grief that I don't do well at on my own.  But because she and her husband made music together, this was really profound.  The blog of her story can be found at http://thislifeilive.com/ but the song I've been listening to this week is this:  http://thislifeilive.com/when-im-gone/  She went to be with the Lord on Friday. 

I just thought I share a little bit of what I'm thinking of.  I also got to preach on singleness from I Cor. 7:32-40...the Lord seems to have given me a unique perspective on such issues, being single until 38 and again single at 46.  May it be profitable for our church.

OK I need to sleep, but wanted to get some thoughts out there.  Thanks for your support and encouragement.

Matt

Follow Through with Brandi's Journal entry

Dear friends,

I have not been here in a while...some of that is good, in that the time we had that I talked about in January was a sweet, sad, wonderful gathering.  It was what I had hoped for...and I think it helped me turn another corner in this - there is not just one, but many corners to turn, but I realized a few days later that I have been ready to take some new steps of establishing and figuring out life together without Brandi.

I did want to follow up and post what I had promised but didn't.  This is something I found in Brandi's journals that she wrote just weeks before she died:

December 12, 2014

I didn’t even read any of the John and Betty Stam biography today, but I did get to reflect on it some.  I am thankful for how it is helping me think properly about life and death.  I know that my life is not my own, it has been bought with a price and I have willingly given it to my Lord.  I think I struggle because cancer feels different than laying it down as a martyr (though, I am I really as brave as I hope I would be?).  It feels like it is being taken for no good reason.  And yet I know that God is sovereign. Nothing happens, no life is taken by murderers or sickness, that is outside of Your control or Your ability to stop or change it.  You are writing the story (STORY) that you are writing and it is bigger than my little piece.  And yet you love my little piece, too.  You love me.  And Lord, again, I bow before you and say that you are worthy – your ways, your thoughts, higher than mine.  Help me to trust.  I’ve also been thinking about a “normal” life.  And thinking that I’m not sure “normal” is what this life is meant for.  There are wonderful ordinary moments.  But I think “normal” for here is meant to be poured out, sacrificial, laid down.  The normal I crave here and so often strive after is maybe the normal that comes later – when all the wrongs are made right and the tears are wiped away to be no more and we finally rest together.  “He is no fool who give sup what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”  I have so many doubts and fears – but what I know and believe:  you are good, you are worthy.  And that you have the words of eternal life.  Where else would I go?

Words that brought tears but smiles of remembrance, of her faith, her transparency, her humility, her clinging to Christ.  I miss her.

Matt