Thankful...thoughtful

I had a chance to share with our church family some thanksgiving, and given the holiday I thought I would post some thoughts for you all. We had a good Thanksgiving with my brother and sister-in law, and my mom, in Massachusetts.  We played lots of backyard football, had a tea party, climbed into the tree house, and got a lot of sleep.   It was good to be with family for the holiday - though Brandi's absence was very much a part of the weekend for me.    

This passage was sent to me by a friend a few weeks ago, and it has been really helpful for me as a reminder of God's faithfulness. 

Isa 46:
3 Listen to Me,” [says the Lord], “O house of Jacob,
And all the remnant of the house of Israel,
You who have been carried by Me from your birth
And have been carried [in My arms] from the womb,
4 Even to your old age I am He,
And even to your advanced old age I will carry you!
I have made you, and I will carry you;
Be assured I will carry you and I will save you.

9 Remember [carefully] the former things [which I did] from ages past;
For I am God, and there is no one else;
I am God, and there is no one like Me,
10 Declaring the end and the result from the beginning,
And from ancient times the things which have not [yet] been done,
Saying, ‘My purpose will be established,
And I will do all that pleases Me and fulfills My purpose,’

The Lord has carried us in so many ways in the past year, I am truly thankful for it.  In so many little ways, I have seen the Lord care for us, provide for us, and carry us day by day.  We have seen the Lord give us so many friends who have helped, served, and prayed.  I have been thankful for our church, and reflecting particularly on the two guys who I co-pastor with who have taken so much on in the past year in caring for our church while I have been either on leave or less than fully engaged - and even now, back in "full time", that they are carrying things that I am not able to.  The kids are doing, overall, really well - enjoying school, growing, and we have many happy moments together as a family of three.  I was praying with the kids tonight and gave thanks that mommy is home with Jesus, whole, healthy, happy - it is one of the greatest comforts to me, to know that she is not missing me as much as I miss her, that she is face to face with her savior, and captivated in his glory.  She is filled with joy...and that makes me glad. 

Having said that, the past few weeks have continued to be hard.  I miss Brandi every day.  It is an ache in my heart, no a cavity, a crater that just seems to be growing.  At times it feels like a darkness that envelops my soul, at other times a weight or burden on my back that feels unbearable.  This season - with the holidays

I have struggled with feeling like the life I live right now is like and old skin, a form of the life that I once had, and I can feel like I'm going through the motions of living my old life - but I don't know what else there might be to move onto.  In day to day, I still love being with the kids - they are growing in so many ways, and I love being close enough to begin to understand them and relate to them more deeply.  Whatever else seems unclear, to keep investing in them is clearly something I know to do.

As we go into the Advent season, for me I have completely mixed feelings.  I love this holiday - but I loved sharing it with her, and I don't have an idea how to do this new season.  I have such clear memories of this time last year - almost daily I can remember something about what we did.  They are happy memories in some ways, but also painful, particularly as they remind me how little we anticipated what would happen next.  It happened so quickly, in many ways...it is still part of the pain and the loss I feel.

So that is an update from us.  Thanks for your prayers.  May your advent be filled with a renewed sense of the wonder of the gift of Jesus to the world, our rescuer and redeemer.

Matt