Will you be my Aaron and Hur?

I was reminded recently of the story of when the Israelites went to battle against the Amalekites in Exodus 17 - the well known story where Joshua led the battle, while Moses watched and held his arms up in recognition of their dependence upon the Lord.  As they fought, they were victorious whenever Moses kept his arms up - but then he got tired!  And they sat him on a rock, and Aaron and Hur stood by him and held up his arms, helping Israel emerge victorious, and Moses as the leader knew his need for others to help him!

I want to ask for your prayers.  I'm not even sure exactly for what, though maybe you can figure it out from what I write below.  This past two weeks or so have been hard - full, overwhelming at times, but more than that I have felt like I hit a wall, and have been struggling a lot with motivation, with focus, with ability to think, to work hard, to get things done.  I feel "saturated", like when rain comes and soaks the ground to the point where it cannot absorb any more - my brain, my heart, my soul feel saturated, like there has been too much and I am now unable to respond to anything new.

One of the dynamics has been that I have missed Brandi terribly in the past few weeks.  Maybe from Eli's birthday onward, I have felt her loss daily, and it has been a heavy weight upon my heart.  I took the kids away last weekend for an over night to the Great Wolf Lodge in Massachusetts, an indoor waterpark/resort/hotel.  The kids had fun, it was a great memory to make - but i was exhausted by it.  The kids wanted me to do things with them - which I had anticipated - but it left little room for rest for me. The resort was also filled with families - moms and dads, with their kids, enjoying the resort, and I found that particularly difficult this time.  As the holidays approach - with Halloween the first (Brandi helped set some great patterns for our kids that I will be able to keep up, but still...) - so much more will i miss.  A year ago we were still in a fairly blissfully positive place where her treatment was going well, she was feeling generally well, and we could not have imagined what lay in store for us at this point a year ago.

Not only do I miss her - but I am finding myself fighting a battle in my own heart.  I can see, imagine, and even live out on a day to day basis some of what life looks like moving on, living life without her.  We do it, and there are moments (like tonight, after dinner in the kitchen having a wrestling/tickle match with the kids) where there is real joy.  But I don't want it.  I don't want life with out her.  I don't want to move on - I have realized that this is a part of where I am at, what I am struggling with.  And I know Who I need to talk with about it, but I have found that difficult to do.  You can pray for help with that. 

I do see God's grace in the daily things - we have had a beautiful fall here in CT, and my heart has been pierced by it (like Faramir and Frodo looking out of the Window to the West in The Two Towers).  Even in our garden - which has been neglected too much, and has suffered some, I hope not irreparable damage - has shown unusual life, like the fact that our rose bush, which seemed done for the year, produced this beauty in the past two weeks:

Small reminders of the Lord's daily grace that keeps me going - for these I am thankful, while the big picture seems much harder - Lord, what are you doing in this?  What do you have for me?  What good could there be that will help me process the loss of what seemed to be so exceedingly good in our life together? I feel like I am limping through life - maybe carrying a huge weight of loss and sorrow right now, that sometimes I let down for a moment but had felt very heavy lately.  Most life tasks feel difficult, like I'm walking with lead in my shoes or something.  I've been sleeping more but not being rested.  It all just seems hard right now..

Thank you friends for listening to my rambling.  I have not posted because I wanted to make sense of all of this - I finally realized I just needed to write.  Know that your prayers, and notes, mean so much to me.

Matt