Hi Friends,
We got another 6' of snow last night, which was pretty but makes for a busy morning - especially today! Katie started going to preschool this morning - a local place where a number of friends have taken their kids had an opening for their morning preschool, and it works really well with my schedule (overlaps with Eli's well), and she responded well to our visit last week. This morning, she was sitting with a boy she knows from school (Hi Nathan!) engrossed in playdough when I left...she barely noticed! So you can pray that she will continue to respond well, but this seems like a provision for the rest of the school year. It will help with the regularity of my schedule (if we stop getting all these monday morning snowstorms!) as well.
We are doing well overall. I had a thought - dare I call it a vision? maybe more just an image that came to mind - of me sitting trying to grasp a pile of sand as it ran through my hands. I think it is how I am feeling about our life as a family - as the numbness wears off, I am finding myself grasping for the goodness of our life together, not wanting to lose it nor face the loss of it - but it is impossible to do that, and it leaves me feeling empty, holding the empty shell of a life that will no longer be. I don't want to face the pain that is there...
I was reading Psalm 40 this morning, and read v. 5 - "You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us: none can compare with you!" I find myself assenting with my head, and reminding myself of the truth of that - and remembering that his wondrous deeds for us in Christ are beyond compare, and even the many, many blessings of our daily life are overwhelming. Yet is not easy for my affections to respond with a hearty YES to that. It is like I see it from afar and do not doubt it, but neither do I draw near, embrace it, and exult in it. Pray for the Lord to draw near to my heart, to give me the courage to face the pain of this loss, and walk with me through what I anticipate to be a harder process ahead of feeling the pain of loss and grief so that I also will know the comfort of His love and presence with me, the joy that is in Him alone, and the companionship of his grieving with me, producing in me the hope that my heart will again one day exult in God who has done wondrous deeds.
Thanks friends.
Matt
Great news on a new place for Katie! I hope that she will thrive there and you will find some peace in this answer to prayer. Your post reminded me of Isaiah 50:10: "Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." I pray the Lord will continue to give you more pictures like the one of holding sand as He takes you into deeper places, as He grieves with you. You and your littles are so incredibly precious to Him. He sees you. He knows you. He loves you. And He is working to bring healing and hope...even in the dark.
ReplyDeletePrayed for you all this evening. So glad Katie has a place where she already has friends.
ReplyDeleteWas just praying for Katie this morning and then found this message. Praise God! So thankful there was a good place for her with friends. Thanks for sharing as you process things. Praying for your heart and for the children.
ReplyDeleteMatt - continuing to pray for you and your kids...for comfort and courage from the Lord, and for awareness of His gentle pursuit of you in the midst of grief.
ReplyDeleteMatt - continuing to pray for you often in the wee hours of the night as I am awake you and your sweet children often come to mind. I think often of how Brandi has fought the good fight and received her crown of glory but how you now need to continue to fight that good fight not alone (since even from a distance we are standing with you) but certainly without her. Know the distance separates us but wanted you to know you are often in my prayers. Love, Jeanie
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear about Katie's wonderful school and the ease of the transition thus far. Will pray for God to draw ever nearer to you. You are in our thoughts and prayers often.
ReplyDeleteFor I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.”
Isaiah 41:13