Dear Friends,
One year ago, we celebrated Brandi's 40th birthday. Given the year we had had, she was thankful to have reached forty, and we celebrated with an understated but very happy family celebration.
Today, Eli and Katie and I watched the video of surprising her with muffin/cupcakes for breakfast that morning, and singing happy birthday to her. We went out to a favorite breakfast place (Lena's in Westville), and then spent the day at home together. It was a sweet day in many ways, but like most days a bittersweet one, in that each day seems to remind me in a new way of the depth of her loss. A trip to Ikea (the first, I think, since her death), swimming in Tanta's pool, or a day at the aquarium were all things that we have done this summer - but like one of those odd internet videos, like a regular member of the scene is suddenly missing, reruns with a huge hole where they once were. This month has been more painful, I think, than the previous ones, as I have felt the loss more than ever.
Which makes this day even more pronounced in sweet and sad. The fact that there will never be another birthday for her is both sweet and sad - she is in eternity, and as such I don't think they count any more! She is healed, and whole, and without pain and without sin and in the presence of the Lord in an eternal state that is beyond our understanding in its fullness. Sad for us, who mark the day as a remember of the goodness of the gift of her life, and the sadness of our hearts now that she is gone.
But this day has also been sweet for another reason - for I have been reminded of what a sweet community God has placed me in. The number of texts, emails, and messages I have received today have reminded me that I am not alone in this loss - that many friends are with me in both the sweet memories and in the sadness of loss. I have found that my greatest fear is that I will be alone in the pain - and in some ways that is true, for no one can know exactly what my particular shade of grief is like - and yet they expressed words of solidarity, of grieving not just for me but with me, of love for Brandi and love for our family. I was asked yesterday what I have seen God up to - well, today, I am overwhelmed with the way He has prompted many to minister to me. Thank you friends. Thank you Jesus.
I know it has been a long time. I'm emerging from a time of leave which I have tried to unburden myself as much as possible, but I hope I'll be back in touch more in the coming weeks. Thank you all for your love and prayers for us. I'll try to post picture soon, too.
Matt
